i'm sorry

two words that are so hard to say. . . why?

i've thought about that greatly over the past month and. . .

at least for me in my life the why can be answered with counting the number of fences i've hedged myself in with or the height of the walls i've placed around me in order to protect myself. i first have to stop feeling attached and start allowing God to defend me to protect me -- there is no way i can protect myself better than my Savior. so, i allow pride, guilt, shame, hurt, pain, selfishness, anger, embarressment, and self to mound a defense which usually leds to further pain, hurt, and such to those around me and to myself -- all in the name of self preservation.

when one does this, one can go on with life like nothing is wrong - basically cutting the branch off that is wounded or is hurtful - thus, giving the impression of no pain - but that's not the case -- it's just an illuion. the pain and hurt is buried beneath the feelings of defense. it's only when one allow's God's healing Words to be like a saive and begin to fight off the infection - that's when the healing begins and the defenses fall.

it's at the point when "i'm sorry" doesn't seem too hard - but yet it is - what's the reason now. time, distance, fear of rejection -- all rooted in a spirit of timidity that Paul assures me that is not from my Father -- I have a spirit of sound mind and life that my Lord has given me -- I just need to recieve it and wear it -- basically, i need to trust - trust not in me or man - but in God, my redeemer and friend.

the time is now - that's coming clear to me -- so, i will praise Him - because healing has happened, i can forgive and seek forgiveness - not because of how i feel but because of in whom I belong. i can't be in Christ if angry, bitterness, and strive is in my heart. that's not Christ's character and thus is can't be mine -- i need to love without ceasing, i need to be gentle and kind. i need to seek them over me - i need to put them before me. God took me away in order to speak words of compassion to me - now i need to do the same to those who have hurt me and i've hurt. we all made many errors in judgement - but it's now time for me to step out and drop my defenses and trust God to do the rest. 2 wrongs don't make a right -- i miss them -- i miss you out there.