fear vs. faith

man, as much as i love getting together with the entire pa campus min. staff, it's sometimes overwhelming. overwhelming in the sense of i feel the whole weekend is too much sitting, listening, and eating. as i look back at our previous director retreats, this one just seemed to lack something -- realness. last year we spent time going to the throne room, not just in music but in mediation, prayer -- i think of the prayer experience scott welliver had us go through with the post-note cross. and then three years ago when our entire retreat almost was a discussion on the dan kimbal book. this year just seemed entirely business -- which is okay but i would loved to spend time just hearing from my other director friends -- not discussing the latest thinkings on issues - but just how they were doing - both personally and ministrially. but this just challenges me to seek this out on my own -- to stay in contact more.

but something that i've had in my face all week and weekend is the issue of fear but how this is in contrast to my faith. how can i be fearful yet walk in faith? -- i can't - cuz then is comes down to who am i trusting? - the answer: ME

i know what my father tells about fear - to don't be afraid but be strong and couragious, that i was not given a heart of fear - too often i throw around both joshua 1 and 1st tim. but how much do i really heart believe/trust/heed my Savior?

but is fear all bad? - do i throw these passages around because i have some sort of understanding that it is bad for a Christian to fear?

not sure the answer - but i know that fear can be a good thing - let me explain -- if i don't fear fire or have a healthy understanding of fire than i can either get burned, burn something down, or worse fatally be harmed or harm another - my fear brings a healthy respect

isn't that the same with those seemly abstract fears of life -- good fear can gives us a healthy respect for and submission to our Lord. but generally we don't go that route -- for me, my fear controls me, my fear paralysis me, my fear, at times causes me to hold the reigns of my life and hold them tighly rather than putting my trust/hope in God - thus, my heart becomes downcast and i see no hope.

but what would happen if my fears i gave to God and allowed him - no i pleaded with Him, to teach me His ways, to allow Him to guard my heart and mind in and through His son; Christ Jesus? well. . . i suspect would happen would my terror raising fear but become respect and trust towards my Deliever. what i suspect is my perspective would change due to seeing God's power revealed. what i suspect is my thought process would be calm and peaceful because my heart and mind is under the control of the One who commands the seas to be at rest. and i suspect i would take risks cuz i would, beyond a shadow of a doubt, know, that i know, that i know, that only the Lord is God.

thus, my fear would not be in conflict with my faith -- my faith would consume of fear and give me a new outlook and defination for fear.

just my thoughts as i think about fears and expecations.

confused

confused

that's my mind right now - i can't figure something out -- i'm usually rather good a reading folks but not this time

maybe i'm trying to hard - maybe it will pass

i'm interested to see how it all unfolds -- not sure if i'm ready for the ride - but i'm going to trust.

oh no you'll never let go. . .

i get into my car at 9:15am to head to the hospital to see my mom and on the radio is k-love -- for being the country, we have a klove go figure!

but has i headed down my parent's street God knew i needed to be encouraged -- i feel so out of control in every area of my life -- i'm not together anywhere -- i have no housing for my interns., my co-director and i have not had the best of communication for planning this summer, i have tons of work at the mission, i have some seminary crap to deal with, and now - now i have family problems -- i just feel so unsecure and not with it

but God knew - and he reassured me - He will never leave me -- matt redmen's song "Oh No" - was the song that came on as i was starting my trip to the hospital

what comfort?!

Oh no you never let go, through the calm, through the storm
Oh no you never let go every high and every low
Oh no you never let go - you never let go of me.

that' my prayer - cuz honestly -- i'm losing it -- too much too quick -- i'm way overwhelmed - but whom shall i fear - No one - cuz my Deliever is comin'- my deliever is standing by!

my surreal life

so i ventured to uncle phil's general store at 7pm to get gas and to visit a friend - i return home at 10pm to an empty house and a note -- my mom was taken to a local er - she had been sick all day

now let me bring us all up to speed - the day has been, how shall i say. . . rough -- my dad's being the jerk i remember from my youth - getting mad at the dumbest things and then acting like a baby - slamming things and taking off in a huff. needless to say. .. he hasn't talked to me all day - my mom spent the day fretting over his anger - i swear - i don't know who's worse -- him for being an ass or her for allowing herself to be walked on and a victem.

but nevertheless - i spent the day back in time - remember how crappy it was to live under the same roof as my dad - remembering the countless temper tantums he would throw when he didn't get his way - remember how intimating he was to my mom and at times to me - remembering how much i hated him at one time.

oh how i feel like i'm back in high school - but this time i'm older - this time i'm stronger - not because of me - but because of my true Father - my Abba. ya know you can't pick your parents - and really i love mine - i just hate how screwed up i am because of how screwed up they are - i hate knowing that my mom gets the old guilt trip layed on her because my dad is and always has been jelous of me - i hate that my dad uses my mom and sees her as a possession - i hate that she let's him - i hate that when i'm here i know i can rip him a new one and not think twice - i hate that my anger is always there - i hate that when i look at him - i want to smack him and tell him how much he sucks and how much he's hurt us over the years - i hate feeling like this - but mostly - i hate myself for being angry.

he can't hurt me any more nor can he control me -- but he's hurting my mom - and that pisses me off -- she's not strong enough to stand on her own - she's not strong enough to fight back - yet, if i fight back - i'm going to unload 20 plus years of hurt and that's not fair to him - esp. after i've given it to God - he has forgotten - why can't i?

now that i've exposed one of my biggest struggles and dark sides - let me share why i'm only reacting with words and not in deeds.

it's because he doesn't control me anyone -- i'm spoken for - as mercyme says -- my heart, mind, soul, and being is surrendered to my Savior -- it's not my right or place to hurt him as he has hurt me and thoses i love -- the psalms are filled with david's lament and frustation over his enemies -- but did he go out and bomb them? -

NO

he cried out to his Lord -- Psm. 121 -- i look to the heavens, where does my help come from - the maker of heaven and earth - my paraphrase.

i can't look to me for answers or to fix this or even to bring peace/healing -- i must look up - to the maker of heaven and earth - He is my just King -- He will deliever - He will heal - my role is to love not hate

so - i must take lesson from david and stand on His promises -- praise Him and celebrate - He has won my battle - and He loves my dad more than I resent him right now - God's grace is sufficant for my dad -- just as it's sufficant enough for me!

it's going to be long night - sorrow is for a moment - but joy comes in the morning!

things are not what they seem--yet sometimes they are

i'm home at my parent's place spending some time encouraging my mom. she is having eye trouble - she can't see too well at all. we go to a store last night and on our way home. . . bam. . . i'm hit with what i've suspected for awhile.

life as i've known it is not what it seems

after talking with my mom, i found myself being perpelled backward in time to my senior year -- my life was falling apart around me - and i was too young to stand up for anything.

but this time -- i'm not 18 - i'm 31 and an adult -- i can't make decisions for my mom but i can stand up for what i believe in and now i have a say -- fear and intimatation don't have ahold of me any longer.

but what do i do?

i can say what's on my mind and hurt folks i love - i can stay quiet and be eaten up inside with what i'm seemly powerless to do, i can be defensive or reactionary and blow up; protecting what's mine and keeping those close to me from getting hurt or i can seek other's to pray - i can pray - and i can trust in God with all my heart - i will depend on Him and will not lean on my own understanding.

why is it that i know that latter is what i need to do - what's best - but it's not the first thing nor is it the easiest thing to do?

for years i've struggled with family relationships -- it hasn't always been healthy - the need and responsilbity i have to fix things - to make things all better - to not allow my mom to be hurt or suffer pain - has been a weight on my shoulders -- i have unsuccessfully walked the balance of co-dependenicy with my mom - all the while resenting and at times hating my dad.

i have been the judge and juror -- that's wrong -- a long time ago God showed me that i needed to place this dysfuncational family in His hands and trust Him -- i have until now -- don't get me wrong - i still and do trust Him - but i want to make the crap go away -- i want to speak the truth - and not in love - i want to make things right where i see injustice -- but that's not my role.

so again, what do i do?

i have a choice - either i can be in control and allow my words and temper to tear down and cause more pain or i can ask God to take captive every thought, word, and deed to the obedience of His son.


so if you are reading this -- please go to God on my behalf - cuz frankly - i'm not sure nor do i have the right motative to pray in this matter.

francie

swimming up stream

picture it!

a bright sunny afternoon - a creek flowing ever so fastly - and several ducks trying to swim against the current.

that was the site i saw as i stood towards the back of the Mission building yesterday making a phone call.

i made the comment to the person on the other end who replied that there was a spiritual lesson somewhere in there.

well she was right!

after a rather frustating phone call right before bed - i remembered the duck!

that's how i was feeling - i have been paddeling all summer - but not really moving too far ahead -- now the current has been moving me to the sides a bit - but very little foward motion has happened.

i ended the call a bit deflated - a trip to walmart was my remedy! as i often do, i was talking to the most intellengent person in my car -- me!!

i was summerizing my call and my stance -- here's what hit me: -- even though the ducks looked funny being pulled by the current despite their swimming, they were moving - they were standing still - they weren't giving up - they weren't being surcum by the fast moving current - they were being tantasic!

what about me?

i know it seems i've been swimming and swimming and swimming up stream all summer in my effort to be a good leader - be organized - be prepared - but have i given up a bit, have i stopped swimming so eagerly? -- am i allowing the frustration, the overwhelmedness, the seemly unpreparedness cause me to stop swimming - to be sweep away by the rush?

i don't know -- but i do know this: i have a few weeks left before the tidal wave comes in called back to school -- i want to be a duck and swim up stream despite appearances!

I can do all things - not by my strength - not by my knowledge -- but through, in and by Christ - who will give me the strength to swim!

Right on Time!

"Any my God shall supply all my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus"
sound familiar?

well. . . it's the praise of my heart!!!

Paul's words ring true daily in the lives of those who surrender themselves - not just part - but all -- totally; their minds, hearts, desires, wants,etc. it's only then can you see God's power -- it's only then can you trust Him, it's only then can you experience the deepth of His love and provision for those He calls His sons and daughters.

Today i had to run to staples to get something for the Mission -- i came back to my office and had a message - after listening to it, i realized it what the caller was calling about -- i returned the message and with in 5 minutes a need i had was met!! it was nothing that i did or said -- it was God planting into one's heart to sow into His ministry on the college campus! all i did was be obedient - I made my requests known - and the peace of God that i couldn't explain despite the stress of this need was wiped away -- even last night as i pondered what was next - what to do -- i had no fear.

and my God supplied my needs - He is right on time! after sharing this praise - and commenting on how i was half way there with having the total need met with my current mission team here at the Mission - my ladies from wisconsin, betty relied - "oh you have plenty of time, thursday is 4 days away" -- so if God can work things out with 4 hours to spare -- i'm sure 4 days is no problem!!

Not to us, but to your Name be the Glory!!

francie

money well spent

so yesterday was the final day of customer appreciation days at grand book and bible - a local bookstore in new castle. i took my flier i recieved in the mail and ventured to the store to spend some money and get my free gift - you all know how much i love free stuff!!

after looking around, i couldn't find anything i wanted to buy - but that all changed after going to the music area. normally i don't really like to spent money on cd's -- i can think of better ways to spend $20 -- like in my gas tank!

but knowing that i could pick a discount duckie and get some money off, i decided to go for it! i found a few cd's i wanted to buy - but the one that really got my attention was aaron shust! - he is a new guy - orginally from the burgh here - but now lives in atlanta. i heard him few months back - his song,

My Savior my God is one the best songs i've heard in a while.

the first line - i am not skilled to understand wht God has willed what God has planned . . . that's me! some days i wonder what God was thinkn' when he created me -- i just rest in the knowledge that His ways are so far more better than mine!

here's the chorus:

My Savior loves, my Savior lives, my Savior's always there for me
My God he was, my God he lives, my God is always gonna be

is this not your hearts cry?! -- the first time i heard this song was driving home to my parent's house at easter -- i am able to pick up K-Love -- on the way home - and they played aaron shust

Wow - what a passionate song - so, when i found his cd and knew i could get some off -- i jumped at the chance -- i was like a kid in a candy store! i couldn't rip the plastic off any quicker -- i came back to my office popped the cd in and my worship began! the cd is great - full of heart felt praise and worship, with some soul thrown in there for the fun of it!! - so, i must say -- it was $11 worth spending!

jesus: my first action hero!

had the pleasure today of worshipping with chippewa alliance church -- truth be told, i wasn't too excited this morning. i hate missing church at beaver, but i also know that visiting churches on behalf of the mission is part of my job. so, i got up -- got dressed up - more dressed up than i ever would for beaver - but i'm representing the Mission so i must look the part - and off i went to chippewa alliance.

i've wanted to worship there for a while -- one of my all time favoriate former students, my little jennifer love hewitt - jenn corry if you are wondering, called this church home for 4 years while at geneva. and for the 3 years jen was heavely invovled in crossseekers so was this church - esp. her adopted family - the hutinsons. this past year, i've dropped the ball in staying connected to mike and sherry - but no more.

a month or two back i recieved a phone call from sherry desiring to be part of our vbs to the rescue program here at the mission -- i gladly got them connected and this past tues. had the pleasure of sharing the story of the mission with so many eager kids - seriously -- i've shared my mission speach with many, many churches and ages - but never have i had such attentive kids as i did with this group -- i spoke during their snack time -- i was able to reach each class and share stories of God's amazing grace in the lives of those we serve at the mission. these kids ate it up - it was refreshing.

but back to my orginal point -- part of my agreement was i would attend their closing program set for today -- they would then present me with their offering check. despite missing my family at beaver - i had a great time meeting many new faces and just strengthening the bond with that church; not only for the mission but also for campus ministry -- several folks remembered me from being with jen - they asked how things were going on campus.

their theme was the first action heros -- the kids sang the songs they had learned, recited their memory verses and the teaches shared the stories -- the last hero was jesus! the song, even though it was upbeat - brought tears to my eyes -- cuz in the chorus it said something about looking up -- it's jesus our first action hero. i began to ponder what it will be like to see Jesus coming out of the clouds to reign and to take us to Himself -- how exciting!

i found myself humming the song i played before i left for church -- i'm here to meet with you, will you meet with me?!! -- may i always look in excitment as i stand and wait for my Savior - my Hero, my Lord, and my friend!

wedding bells r ring'n

wow - i pull into the mission parking lot and what do i see -- a stretch hummer -- sinken' cool - never have i ever seen the inside of one until today!

why would one be at the mission. . . well. . . today is a very special day here at good ol crm. . . one of our own, clifton, is getting married!

cliff came to the mission last spring -- he had spent some time using and abusing and desired to be different. he joined our true life recovery program -- shortly after joining, cliff broke and fell before God -- he was a new creation - inside and out!

about 6 months ago, cliff had been worshipping at the local jewish synago when he met a lovely lady -- i can't remember her name - but she is a missionary who was on forlough -- they began to connect and soon they desired to be married -- but cliff had made a committment to finish the program here at the mission -- he honored that and has since got a good job and has been very involved in his church.

i have had the pleasure of having some real converasations with cliff -- he is a man of God with no doubt -- i once came in on a sunday night to do laundry and as i walked up to the front desk, i heard cliff yelling and crying -- the closer i got, i realized he was praying. no let me restate that - he was crying out on the behalf of another guy in the program. john's mom was missing and his grandmother was dying -- john was struggling - but his brother, cliff, carried the burdens -- carried them right to the throne room of God. i was humbled that night -- i stood quietly along the side of the wall - just agreeing with him and amazed at his passion and heart for intercession.

in my 4 years here - i have seen many guys come and go in our program - some leave pre-maturaly - some leave and fall back into the pattern of behavior which led them here to start with - and some. . . and some. . . and some like cliff, joe, mike, mike, rob, bob, john, danny. . . and the list goes on. . . surrendar all and truely meet Jesus and are changed forever. that's what makes my long hours, low pay, stressful job here all worth it -- it's not about what we as people are doing or how much the mission has in our bank account -- it's so about God's will, God's purpose, God grabbing folks and loving them to change. We just have the unbelievable pleasure and honor of seeing it daily.

Thank you Father for choicing me to serve you here at the Mission -- i am not worthy to see you move - but i do -- for that my heart crys "HOLY, HOLY, is the Lord God Almighty!"

this week's been long, this week's been hot, this week's been hard, but mostly this week's been challlenging -- my view from the stand point of my recent mission team at the mission.

on sunday i had the pleasure of welcoming temple baptist church - from dubious, pa - 11 eager and ready teenagers and workers -- but as the week waxed on - i could see so was their motatvation.

in speaking with the youth leader today because i left for the great land of donuts known as krispy kreme -- jim shared with me that this week didn't turn out the way he had expected. i asked why -- what is something i did or didn't provide for him. he responsed no - it was the expecations he had for his youth.

got me think'n -- how was my week and why do we set such unrealstic excepations? really -- i understand we need to set goals and challenge those we are leading and ourselves but when does setting excepations become trying to control things? this is something i so struggle with -- i want to see others grow - but only God can and will change a life when it is submitted and humbled in His hands. maybe that's where we need to start -- helping others to live a life of surrender and allow God to be the agent of change.

well . . . yes, this week has been long, hot, tiring - but for me -- it's been rewarding to see this group learn and understand what it means to serve God by serving others. this group was so willing to do anything - and i mean anything i asked them to do -- and they were all so polite -- that's rare in working with groups at the mission, usually i hear murmuring and complaining from teenagers about the tasks i'm asking them to accomplish.

and vbs on tuesday night -- as i shared the story of the mission with the kids during their snack time, i was amazed at their attentiveness -- they all seemed interested in hearing the stories. it was refreshing to not have to just pour out my shilp but i was able to go deeper with the kids -- who knows how many future mission workers or missionaries period i was speaking to that night -- it was great

okay now that this post is so random and hard to follow - i'm going to go to bed -- 7am comes early -- ya know i used to be able to sleep until noon and not think twice -- those were the days before real life set in -- i think being a night person is God's little jock on me -- create me to love the night yet give me a day job - but it's friday - i have something to look forward to

francie

where does my time go? -- certainly not where it needs to.

as i think about the next few weeks -- i realize how unprepared i am for all things involved with this season we call "back to school" or the fall.

i need one more month to collect my thoughts, to plan more, to have my ducks in a row - and then add the mission activities to it - i'm feeling overwhelmed by what's to come -- last night as i played with abbey - the dog i'm house sitting for i found myself becoming stressed over what i don't have done - what i'm not ready for.

why?

why must i have every detail down? why must i know all things? -- to control it - yes that's my story -- i need to control all things related to me and my world.

why?

to feel capable -- when will i learn -- my overwhelmedness is because i can't accomplish anything on my own -- BUT. . . BUT -- i can do all things through my Savior who gives me the strength

why is that so hard to remember and focus on? - cuz i'm stuborn what's why -- my faith with only grow when i seek first His things and make His things my things - then all things will fall into place -- cuz i'm out of control!

so the point to my rambling is simple -- i must work harder at being out of control - and resting in His strength! - then the things of what's to come - the things i'm not ready for - will not worry me or overwhelm me cuz i'll be standing with His strength and promises.

sorry - my devo. to myself

francie

my krispy kreme adventures!

so, tonight eposide of the krispy kreme adventures was exciting. for about 4 hours of my 6 all time did was stand at the line -- where the donuts are being made,glazed, and cooled -- and "catch" donuts.

you are probably asking "what does catch donuts mean?" . . . well, it's the donuts lingo for putting the hot, newly made donuts on little black trays -- a dozen at a time. you then place them on racks -- the rack holds 46 dozen donuts. i swear if i see another orignal glazed or a blueberry gazed donut i'm going to cry -- i'm probably going to see them in my sleep tonight.

but desite my busyiness. . . God gave me a cool opportunity to share my what i believe. diane, one of the cool managers at the store, also lives in b.f. -- actually she lives in westmayfield. she shared that when she decides to take the turnpike home, she always thinks of me as she is traveling through college hill. i told her she passed right by my house -- she inquired where -- and i asked her if she had ever seen a porch with a huge cross on it and a tree what grows down.

she commented that yes she had -- it's one of the few houses she pays attention to. . . she asked me why i had a cross on my porch . . . well, i got to share what it's for and why and through that i was able to share why i serve on campus - i.e. my faith.

i was cool cuz the co-worker that tends to be a bit hard to work with was asking me questions too. of course i had to share how the cross cracked my windshield, better it that an 8 ft. cross doesn't fit into a 4 door car!

but as i was driving home at midnight i began to think how just in the past two days i've been able to stretch my spiritual legs so much. . . first last night with mike - a guy who works midnights and tonight with a few of the girls -- wow! - how exciting! God desire more for me at this place -- more than just collecting a paycheck, more than me getting free donuts -- although that's a plus -- the mission staff loves me working this job! -- they benefit from it too! -- but mostly, God desires to use my life as an example, He desires to reach deb, diane, brain, jerry, sara, hanna, brenda, marcie.

God may my time at krispy kreme by honoring to you -- may each minute i'm in that store your presence be there - please go ahead of me and stir hearts -- please draw them too -- please give me chances to BOLDLY -- share my story, your story, and may you recieve all glory, honor,and praise!

Eph. 14:20-21!

when will i learn. . .?

so, friday after checking my email, i felt like a loser and slacker -- as if all my skills as a campus minister were useless -- a few sure things seemed to fall apart -- what was i going to do?

so, i immediately went into problem-solving - let's fix it mode. several phone calls later -- nothing -- i found myself asking what now?! -- it took a moment but i realized i was leaning on me and my understanding -- i needed not do that -- i needed to remember day #2 of vbs and song i taught the kids

i will be trust'n God with all my heart, no matter what, no matter where, no matter when, i will depend on Him, i will not lean on my own understand, in everything i do, got to have the courage to trust'n God


so - i began to listen to the song -- i was driving home to take a shower and pick up a few items for friday night camping and i remember saying - "you know the situation God, please work it out"

a few phone calls later - after my shower - and wow! -- i have peace -- and then today -- a phone call to a pastor that i didn't think would even be useful -- is!

the point to the story kids is this, in own strength - we suck - we think we can do it and yes, we even and give off the illusion of it - but when it come down to it -- are plans are build on houses of cards, which can and will fall. BUT -- BUT God's ways are not ours - He just asks us to stop being bull-headed and seek His help - ask for it, He will not fail and He will not steer us in the wrong direction. He has our best and His glory in mind!

which leads me back to the question of this post -- When will I learn to trust rather than struggle on my own? -- i guess that's the reason for faith - and the working out of my salvation with fear and trembling -- the salavation process is a daily journey of submission,teachableness, and appling what's been instructed. may i love seek to be carried rather than to be the carrier of my own life.

How Great Thou Art?!!

Saturday night at the camp site was incrediable -- as i poked around the property for wood, Ms. McCracken came walking through -- what a wonderful Godly lady!

she shared that almost daily she walks the property praying that it will be used to bring glory to God. she went on to share that she and her husband erected the cross to dedicate the land and farm to the Lord -- Wow!! -- here she is in her 70's and she is still about God's business -- she is still interceeding and expecting Him to move!! -- may i be that tenastic for the Kingdom when i'm in my senior years.

as we talked she shared some of the history of the land as well as more of her own story -- she came to know Christ in the Presby. church but in her own words "i needed more" - so she later connected with the assemblies of God. she shared she was at a sunday night chapel here at the mission supporting the chapel speaker, a member of her church, when she overwhelming heard God tell her that the mission was to have the land. so, she was obiedent and spoke with kevin -- she knew it was not worth much now -- but she shared that she knows God sees potential in it. she went on the tell me there are 2 natural springs on the property as well as a waterfall -- she pointed me in the directions but i decided exploring them could wait for another time.

i so loved speading time with her - she kept apologizing for "interupting" my time with the Lord -- but what she didn't realize was those were God appointed moments -- i needed to be reminded of His faithfullness, i needed to see the heartbeat of a passionate saint, and i needed to be reminded that all we are and have needs to be dedicated to His serves.

as i sat on the hill by the cross yesterday having my own little worship time -- i took some time to be quiet and observe what i heard and saw -- here it is - a page from my journal:

God's presence is all around me -- each time i sing and my heart stands in awe, the breeze blows ever so slightly around me. i see him in the trees, their stength, i see Him in the sounds of life - where do they come from? - the maker of heaven and earth!

i sense God is reasurring me and reminding me of His awsomeness, of His wonder -- He is recapturing my heart by showing me the hands of His works, by reminding me of how BIG and VAST He is, by reminding me i have potential -- my exterior mybe overgrown but He sees what lyes beneath.

as i look across the property landscape, i see potential -- i see hope! i see furture prodcuts -- i see beauty -- even through it is very overgrown, thorny, and wild -- all it will take is some time, the right tools, dedication, sweat and energy - but mostly vision and care in order for this land to be more than what it currently is.

that's me -- God sees more and wants more for me than what i am now -- He is willing to work, spend the time, devote the engergy, and provide me with the tools to sharp me into usable land -- mostly importantly, i know He has the vision -- i just need to be tamed by Him!


that about sums up my weekend -- it was good to be away with my creator - i'm restored, renewed, and desiring to dwell rather than to stand just for a moment in His presence!

not to mention i was ready for a real shower and a true toilet! -- i left earlier than what i had orginally decided on -- but once i came down off of the hill from my time of celebration/worship -- i sang the doxology and just felt in my heart like i was done -- it was time to pack up and go home. so i cut the grass once more, cleaned the site and headed home -- i hope to try and sneak away again to explore more of the land!

Friday night alive

okay so my second night was much better than my first. . .

got to the camp site around 5ish -- began to look for more wood and get fire ready

Mrs. McCracken - the lady who donated the land -- came by -- she is so sweet. she gave me her number and said to call her i needed anything and she bought me an oil lamp -- i realized i was not alone -- if i needed help i had it!

dinner was great -- i tried a new way to make chicken -- salsa style -- the corn on the cob wasn't as good as i've made it - but that's okay.

even though i left my bible in my office -- was in the Word! -- tonight i really feel i broke before my Savior! -- after dinner I walked up the hill to this huge cross Mrs. McCracken had erected. it over looks the entire area -- there is a natural staging to it -- as i looked up at it, i began to cry -- the song by al dension came flooding into my mind --

"take me to the cross, high above the steple, the place where Jesus died for the lost people. if you can't find home, know your not alone, take me to the cross"

that's how i've felt lately -- like i could find my way home -- but alas i'm there!

i spend the night watching the fire, playing with the fire, warming up to the fire, putting wood on the fire -- can ya see a pattern? - i love fire! i learn so much just by watching it -- take this for example: at the end of the night around midnight or so, i was watching the fire die down -- i realized just how perfect the coal were for cooking -- much better than the open flames i had cooked on and burt myself on earlier -- i wanted to cook a hotdog but wasn't hungry -- anyway, as i stood feeling the heat from those bright brilant glowing red coals -- it hit me -- the wood was only half as effective while it was just being burnt.

yes, it produced enough heat to cook my chicken - but how easily my meat could burn from being exposed too much to the flames -- but once it was consumed totally - then and only then was the wood completly usable without seriuosly burning much. that 's how i need to be -- i need to be totally consumed by my Lord - yes, i will be usable but not to my fullest potential.

but that's just one of several things i learned last night. the rest of the night consisted of me, dave platt - the cd's from last year's ridgecrest - my baptist hymnal and my heart fully exposed - longing for restoration, cleansing, forgivness, healing, and renewal.

the rest of the story yet to come!

camping nite 1

what is it about first nights of camping?. . . never goes according to plan.

after getting to the camp site after 10pm -- i started to unload my stuff -- got my torches filled and lit -- and had light!

but then it all went down hill from there.

my trunk wouldn't close -- i couldn't find dry not dead wood - my paper was damp, my eggs were broke, and my feet were wet

finally, after much little brush i was able to get my fire going - at 11:30pm.

thought i had done it - but i soon found out i was wrong -- so, i sat at my cereal and watched my failed attempt at a camp fire die out. i bungeed my trunk shut, tried to unpack some stuff and basically just sat in silence.

with many thoughts running through my head i watched. . . i watched the moon light up the entire area i was at -- it was strange even through my fire was going out i could see all around me.

i sat watching the moon pierce the wooded areas in front of me, i listened to the many sounds of nature, and i stressed. . . stressed over the things that need to be done in the next few days

but all in all -- an okay night --

i'm hoping tonight goes better -- i'll have my head about me and my heart in the moment more

francie

my church. . . the soap opera

so i went to a family from my church's house today to hang out and get a few recipes for camp cooking.

the husband announced to me "we need a church to go to" i said why - and he responded with "cuz we need one" -- i asked if that ment they were leaving beaver and he said yes.

that bothers me. . . not that they are leaving - but for the reasons - conflict - unresolved conflict. . . to me that's not biblical

but what can i do, who can i speak with, and is it really my place?

after all it's the pastor's wife we are talking about - how does one point out that she was wrong - she lied -- and i wasn't even involved in the sitution but from all accounts - for some very fair folks who were involved -- she lied, not my friend.

why is it that we place the pastor on such a high place of untouchablity -- like he and his family can do no wrong -- why is it that it's difficult to lovingly confront and seek healing -- we would rather see division and hard feeling instead of rocking the boat.

so this family is most likely going to leave -- and i know it was my friend's desire to try and forgive -- she was honest when she shared that she wanted to forgive -- even right after the situation happened -- but they will leave - and not only will this leave hurt feelings with them - but i can see several other families upset over this - several keys familys.

again -- i feel like a few years ago -- my family is factured and i can't do anything about it. - my heart hurts for this family -- and i can understand my pastor and his wife.

they came into a close knit group -- they are outsiders trying to get in -- that has to be frustating for them -- but sometimes i feel she is too controlling and too senetive and he is too unwilling to hear us -- we are all tired of john -- after a year and half -- let's move on -- and i'm not the only one -- i've heard many people say the same thing without me saying anything

i know God has not brought us through 4 years of nothing - no pastor - to have it end like this -- i know He desires more for us and out of us - but what has to change? -- and how - and what's my role?

to many questions - no anwers

francie

just for laughs!

i few months back i found an interesting site called postsecrets.com -- bascially folks write down/draw/some how compose their deepest,darkest secrets and send them to the guy who owns the site -- he then posts them -- it's supose to be a form of confessional with a splash of healing mixed in there. i find this site interesting -- some of the post cards are sad, some make me think, and some like this one posted above makes me laugh - from time to time i will post ones that impacted me in some way

btw: the image on my profile is a post card i saved from the site.

thought this one was fitting to be my first post card posted cuz we all know how much i love bathroom humor!

my heart strings

today was no ordinary sunday at beaver -- we had the privilage of having one of our own serving the nations speak!

bill and debbie bosely were able to worship with us -- after several weeks of support raising, trainings and taking care of aging parents. bill mentioned they logged about 5,000 miles on their van - man! - that this is called a forlough?!

i've known bill and deb for many years -- as i think about it -- i've been at beaver for about 12 years or so -- man that's a long time!

but hearing what God is doing in sengal -- overwhelming! -- i remember praying for several of the people groups bill shared now have scripture in their own language - at the time they where unreached -- it's cool to see and to be part of that through our prayers and finical support.

the 11 minute video was again - OVERWHELMING! -- tears ran down my face -- i found myself saying again -- "I want to go!" -- each time bill and debbie are here i so desire to go and serve with them -- serve with debbie in the refugee school, serve with the international baptist church, to serve with the field personal. i got real honest with bill today -- and asked what would one or a small group do -- i've never asked that before. . .

bill was happy to share -- for the low price of $1,500 i can go --

even though i feel estranged right now -- God still is poking through -- He is reminding me what He is doing and stirring my heart to follow Him! -- my heart broke while i watched the music video created by one of the missionaries in the field -- "the people of sengal" -- those are the people bill and debbie are giving their lives for -- to see God redeem that nation.

bill shared that new tribe's work in west africa - esp. sengal started in 1954 or so -- and out of the 38 language groups they are working with 8 -- Wow -- what perservance, what determination, what zeal to see their Savior revealed to these peoples! -- he then shared about two single gals who have served one people group together for 20 years each -- i sat in my seat amazed - amazed at their willingness to sacrifice everything -- their wants and desires -- to be used by God - to see this tribe now Him -- he shared they have prayed for a young married couple to come - in order for the man to overtake the bible training and teaching - which is what this culture responses to - and praise Him -- that is happening -- bill shared a new young couple will be assigned to these gal's tribe with them!!

the fervant prayers of rightous saints!

i could go on and on -- but this post is already too long --

i will end with this -- you may take a wrong turn but you are never lost when following God's directions

francie

camping i will go, a camping i will, hi-ho the dairy o - a camping i will go!

wow - this time i'm goin' it for real -- camping in the rough!

no running water, no bathroom, no electricty. . . just me, a fire, and a bunch of wood!

i've been wondering what the property in slippery rock was like. . . well, yesterday i found out. it was a like a field trip. . .venturing to an unknown land yet not too far away! kevin took me to our land in slippery rock, gave me the keys to the trailer and showed me the bountries of it - how cool!

but i've got some work to do -- never have i used a weed whacker before - but today i have - no more am i a weed whacker flunky -- i can whack whose weeds like nobody's business - and the trailer -- she's smelln' like bleach cleaner -- oh what joy!

i'm not thinking i'm going to stay in the camper -- only if it rains - but i really want to try out my new tent and gear - we will have to see.

the the view from the the bridge - just as good as mcconnell's mills -- many rocks to sit on and much roaring water to watch -- it's going to be great

every one tells me i'm crazy - but i do have cell signal in both phones and the boy scout ranger is only 1/2 mile up the road -- who's going to harm me? - who would want me -- i think i would annoy them with my obession with fire!

well. . . need to go and get ready to watch the race - nascar at night! - it's daytona baby!! - my boys kasy kane and jeff g. - not only are they cute - but they can drive!!

later

francie