two years. . . that's how long it's been since i've been to my doctor's office. that's what the receptionist told me last week when i broke down and called make an appointment. it's not a good thing when your doctor's office can't find you in their system. but after giving my DOB i was found. and much to my surprise, my local family doctor is not really local any more - instead of being downtown beaver falls - which is just a hop, skip, and a jump away -- it's now in the booming area of chippewa - which really isn't too much further away but not as close either.

what would cause me to break this trend i had started. . . being sick for a week. what i thought was just a cold seemed to be a bit more -- so i did it - went to the doctor and yes, it was more -- a sinus infection - fun for me!

but before i found out i had a sinus infection, my doctor - who was a new PA in the practice - was listening to my chest and the most puzzled look came over his face -- he stopped, stared at me, listened again and then preceeded with. . . "um, do you know. . ." it was at that time that i rememeber my heart condition and decided to let him in on the news. being relieved, he said he had never heard a heart mummer as loud as mine -- of course not! that's been my trademark for years -- God has given me this wonderful thing called a VSD - Ventricular Septedal Defect -- i have a hole in the left ventrical of my heart -- but to be a bit simplified - -a heart mummer - but mine is a bit more complicated than a heart mummer -- i've lived with this for 30 years and never had a trouble. it's rather unusual though - -most heart mummers, i'm told, get less and less noticable and not as loud as you get older or with medical correction. neither has happened in my case -- no medical corrections and no lessing of the loundness - but it is getting smaller!

all my life i've been the odd ball at doctor's offices -- i've been the one that has the parade of student doctor's coming in and listening to my heart - i always hated it -- i felt like a lab rat -- but it's become so much a part of me that i never think of it - until time like that when someone new is examining me - but over all after a week of meds. i'm feeling almost better. i've not slept so much in all my life.

on another note. . . my sickness caused more than my desire to sleep. . . it caused stupidity! i took my final on monday - after having it post-poned due to being sick -- i had to call dr. payne's office and find out how to get the final - it was labled inactive on ecampus -- so his assistant emailed it to me -- i finished it - took my 10 page paper, my reading reports, my evangelism reports, and my final to the post-office and mailed them, what i thought was priority mail to southern - thinking they would get it in a day or two. oh was i wrong!

tuesday - i walk out of my house at 2:30pm to go to my doctor's appointment - now mind you, i hadn't been out all day - i pick up my mail on my way to my car -- sit in my car to look it at - and notice i have a priority mail envolope -- i wonder who this could be from . . . i looka t the address and realize. . . I MAILED MY FINAL AND STUFF TO MY SELF! so, on my way to my doctor's office - i call dr. payne leave him a message and explain what happened. i come out of my doctor's appointment to have a message -- dr. payne's assistant is laughing - telling me that it was okay - he understands i've been sick to mail it tomorrow. can i say not a good thing - but second time was it -- i labeled everything okay and to my knoweldge my final and all my assignments are being graded as i type.

okay - i need to go and make an appoinment to get a windshield for my car -- $155 in boardman, oh - the cheapest ever!

cars, colds, and crap

so it's friday -- where did my week go?. . . what started out as a a calm week of christmas decorating and finals has ended with my car being worked on twice, me in bed with a bad cold, and a pushed back final - thank you dr. payne!

but. . . through it all. . . it's been a good God week! -- i was able to connect with a good prospect for a volunteer in the men's depart. not to mention had my brain challenged with appling the things i've learned in my class to my church and my context here in Pa. if i had to pin-point one thing i will take away from this class. . . it is what my defination and thoughts are in regard to church - what it is and how it grows. -- i've always considered myself to be an out of the box thinker. . . however, the issues and topics we've discussed in the class has really caused me to admit that underneath all of my fluff -- i'm really a traditional modeled person at heart.

yes, i've always seen the church not just the building but the people -- however, to think of church planting and church growth in terms of the laity leading over having a trained pastorate -- that's been hard to grasp - i understand it but it's been hard to wrap myself around. and in terms of church growth. . . to see that real growth occurs in conjunction with sunday school -- that too has been hard for me to admit. . . due to my own church's experience with traditional sunday school, i've sort of writen it off -- i didn't see how it could work or for that matter how revelant it was to today's context of church -- but after reading and studying some of thom rainer's stuff. . . sunday school is the best assimilation method to get church growth.

so my question is. . . why doesn't it work for some churches and why does it for others?

yesterday has joe was taking me home to sleep, since my car was in the shop, we talked about the mission, our roles in ministry, and many other things - but the thing hit me that i verbalized finally was how uncertain things are for me right now -- i thought i had my road mapped out - but that's all changed -- yet. . . i know God will and wants to use me -- not sure in what specific way yet. . . but that's what this season is for. . . to be trained - to press more into Him - to study to show myself approved! the 45 minute phone conversation i had with a girl i met at an event i spoke at recently affirmed my call to counseling -- here it is. . . she called from eastliverpool, oh to just seek my advice.

through it all. . . praise God -

He's still work'n on me to make me what I ought to me. it took just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, cause he's still work'n on me!

okay - i must praise -- despite satan throwing crap at me -- I saw God do something sink'n cool this week - answer prayer!!!

so when i was at the couple's house who corrdinates the assembly of baskets on wednesday i had the privilage of laying hands on the husband and praying for healing from fluid on the brain -- he was to go today to see a specialist about medical procedors to take the fluid off the brain -- i was one of many praying for duane's healing. . . well . . . we got it! today i was told that it's very correctable without surgery - and there's not much to correct anyway!!

i'm greatful that God allows me to see Him work in great ways such as this! may this healing draw not only this family - but the doctor's, nurses, and others duane meets closer to God!

okay, it's 3am and i can't sleep -- so what does one do when she can't sleep. . . post. . . that's right!

so here are a few random thoughts -- yesterday - was able to encourage a family that encourages me alot -- a fun call to the slovan's to see if ms. vickie is my new co-worker at the mission ended in me getting off the phone and on my way to cosco praying that elizbeth's car would be returned - after getting my much needed bags for the potatoes for thanksgiving baskets, i ran to the only no a supercenter yet walmart in the entire region - i was able to find fun congrats gifts for vickie -- she's now a member of the mission family --

i get back to beaver county not thinking they will be home after all it's tuesday - community bible study night - my thought was to leave the bag by the door - but they were home after all. so, i was able to hang with the slovan's, entire dinner, and just love on them for a change of pace -- as i drove home, i was humbled once again at the blessings God showers me with -- what an privilage to pour out God's love to that family!

and then today -- thanksgiving basket hell has offically started - but it's not really hell this year -- it's exciting -- not many pick-up's today and not many tomorrow - and with almost 300 baskets to pack - i'm found myself getting a fit stressed today - wondering how it's all going to work. . . but what's my problem? why do i worry? this is my 5 year basket year - do i really think God's going to let this fail?. . . heck no! i may not know where all the food's coming from. . . BUT He does!! so, i look forward to friday night and saturday to see just how my God supplies my needs!

as i visited iwith dee and duane today - i realized something else -- every year this happens. . . satan tries so hard to throw us off track -- he throws all kinds of crap at us because he knows God's word will go forth through this project. i love this couple -- they are real -- they struggle but they desire to be refined -- and their heart's are to serve!

and yesterday. . . of all the times i've passed alron on my way to and from the mission - God had me stop yesterday -- visiting with pete was refreshing! he's got vision - he's got passion - and he's just so much like a big brother! i love talking to him, it's like he's the male me - he understands networking and thrives with it - it's pete who connected me to onevoice - and i've been blessed!

okay - i've rambled alot - but one last thought - i've so enjoyed re-connecting with my 8:15am date with proclaim! it may be only 15 minutes - but dr. micheal esily - not sure how to spell his name - is prowerful -- i love his teaching. if he would have been the chapel speaker at geneva when i was a student, i would have gone every week -- i forgot just how much i missed my time with God in my car in the morning - the drive to new castle doesn't seem as crappy -- i just wish i could get wcrf all over beaver county -- word isn't the same as mark and the morning team.

alright, i need to force myself to sleep - it's going to be along and tiring day - so much to do and only 8 hours to do it in.

good try guys!

so my trip home was full of rain, cold, and cheap gas. but no victory party for the vikings.

with almost 2 inches of rain on the field, two teams both sporting blue and gold were ready to rumble saturday night - however, glendale was rumbling all over the ground. on the opening kick off, bellwood fumbled the ball which glendale recovered, but the ref's didn't call it - so, that began what was to be a long night of bellwood running up and down the field scoring and stopping us -- with the end scoring being 32-0 -- but you know ya have to give the boys from glendale credit -- they played their hearts out - they even blocked an extra point kick.

we got the game a bit early - trying to connect up with one of my friends - it was raining pretty heavy - but that didn't stop the faithful from the mountain -- glendale folks came out like nobody's busniess -- despite the rain the people came and stayed. it was pretty fun to be cheering along side folks i went to school with - by the end, my mom and i were soaked - and i mean soaked! my poor glasses - i kept having to wipe them off with my fingers -- i really needed windshield wipers on them -- i shoes are still wet!

despite the loss - the boys in blue and gold having alot to be proud of. . . they are the first glendale team to ever get that far in the playoffs - so way to go!

on a side note -- both glendale and bellwood's colors are blue and gold -- we are the vikings and they are the blue devils -- so, it was a bit hard to see which team was doing what, esp. since bellwood was sporting the blue jersey with the gold trim that glendale used to use when i was in school -- but we managed to spot them

better luck next year glendale!

football in the rain

so i'm on my way home after i find a side view mirror from new castle auto parts - but i'm on my way home to willingly sit in the rain outside in the cold. . . why you may ask. . . well. . . it's because my high school football team will be traveling 15 from my parent's house to the home of the bellwood blue devils to try and continue their quest for a state championship run!!! a last minute fill in at krispy kreme is allowing me this chance to bask in school spirit -- thanks kendra!

but as i looked at the new team photo and action pics. from the school's website, i realized several of those jr. and sr.'s i baby sat when i was a junior and senior -- man do i feel old! take for example, mike hommer -- it's hard to believe that that little fireball of a redhead is now almost 6ft and a hardnose linebacker. i still think of him as little mickey who i convienced if he continued to pick his nose his bird was going to fall off - and my pastor's wife - which was his grandmother - thought that was the funniest thing ever! oh those were the days.

and little kevin glass -- he was such a quite kid - but now to think he's 335 pounds of defensive lineman - stink -- who would have thought?!

but i'm going to enjoy this night - me, my mom, my friends terri and tammy and fond memories of my high school days.

here's pic. for your viewing pleasure - ladies and gentlemen. . . here are our glendale vikings!

turning of a page

to everything there is a season under heaven and earth. . .

and that season is called change. . . sunday we had a special meeting after church to discuss the future of beaver -- in my 12 years of attending this church we've had special meetings like this before. . . we've had special brain storming and vision casting meetings as well as special "oh crap" what's next meetings . . . but this one was different.

what was presented you could tell was prayed over and well thought out and it makes sense both realistically and in taking steps to stretch us for growth.

i'm seeing the dots being connected more and more -- with the cuts being made, what's next is becoming clearier -- the resources i have can now go towards other areas -- and with the idea of office space for the mission in beaver county. . . that's exciting!

i'm looking forward to what is ahead - the potential is great - God's preparing us for the next page.

it's offical. . . glendale is on their way to a real playoff state champ run! i've been trying to confirm all day the outcome of the glendale/northern bedford game -- but found out it was today and they beat con. valley - so, it's on to bellwood antis this coming friday night -- this may warrent a trip home to attend my first highschool football game since i was in college - way to go vikings!!!

man what a week of sharing the gospel!!!

i walk into krispy kreme today to get a few dozen dounuts for my friend dee's daughter's birthday sleepover -- what started as just a quick in and out trip turned into another God moment!

i was approached by two of the processors who i've gotten to know a bit over the past 6 months about demonic things - this conversation went way beyond that -- clayton asked me why there are many other religions and how we can know God is the real God -- well. . . that lead to me again topping dounuts and boxing off the line on my own time in order to just talk with clayton and char. i got to share it's more about Jesus than God -- i shared all about Jesus and who he is and the historical accounts of him in the roman history banks as well as various scriptures -- he began to share with me how a few years back he was "all into God" i asked what happened -- he never did really tell me -- but he just kept asking me questions -- i hope to try and work with them in the future or just stop in again and chat -- again, it was a day of living ministry and not just doing ministry -- i went to the birthday party all pumped up sharing about what had happened -- my deacon and his wife prayed with me -- what fun God is allowing me to have in seeing him open the eyes of the blind -- and on another note -- sengal is looking like it may happen in jan. -- God keeps reminding me of the pull on my heart each time i look up from my computer and see bill and deb's prayer card -- thank you God for opening doors!

francie

God rocks! He desires to all things for His glory and our good!

so i was to meet a friend from college for dinner last night and to just caught up -- we live so close to each other - but we never see each other. after the time of fellowship, i ventured to krispy kreme to check my schedule for the week -- through sharing what was going on with me -- as i shared, one of the girls working began to ask alot of questions -- we talked and wow. . . what followed was most definently a God moment which I took. as i shared my struggles over the past week, she too began to share not just about her week, but about her life -- and with in minutes standing by the processing area she unloaded a year's worth of pain -- everything from rape to family problems related to her dad -- man, the whole time i was praying for God to give me the words -- and He did! i will not go in to details on our conversation -- but this i will share. . . the gospel was proclaimed! i was able to share why i wasn't mad or angry and why i was dealing with things as i was -- my answer: Christ in me, Jesus, the Hope of Glory! as i shared i found out her background -- she comes from a catholic background and her uncle is actually a preist. she has an understanding but lacks true understanding -- we moved from the processing area to the line where i helped to box dounuts and continue to talk with her -- what freedom i felt to share openly my faith in a non-Christian place -- it was exciting! and it didn't stop with her -- i was able to share with several of the folks last night -- i wasn't able to go into as much detail, but i was able to drop bits of the gospel through my testimony of the recent events of my life -- man, how refreshing to be really living ministry and not just doing.

if my whole reason for being at krispy kreme is to share with those folks -- it's worth letting go and moving on!

to God be the glory, great things he hath done!

standing on the promises

so i had to work tonight at the mission - had a group come in to help with dinner - i decided to stay for chapel - one of the songs we sang tonight was standing on the promises. . .i've not been doing that as of late.

the frame-work of what i've believed has been shaken. i've questioned everything from my forgiveness to my worthiness to my salvation. a wise person in my life reminded me that's what satan wants . . . he wants my focus to be on me and not fixed on the author and finisher of my faith. maybe i am in denial as someone recently expressed to me. . . but if i am. . . i'm doing a good job. . . as i've read through my journals for the past few years, i've noticed a pattern and theme. . . when i accepted the forgiveness given to me years back, i walked and lived in freedom - a newiness of spirit and heart. i saw a passion to know God so much more than i had prior. my hunger to read and know His Word was and is incrediable. i never get tired of eating and chewing the Word. i saw a spiritual disernment like i never had prior. but more importantly. . . i had joy!

because i can be somewhat vage in my postings - i can see where i've given the impression that i'm "crying out for help" - that's true to a point. . . in letting go of the control and passing off the power of my roles so to speak. i realized something, if i were going to loss it - it would have been in aug. in my mom's life hung in the balance of death and my family junk came smacking me in the face. but i didn't - even though i posted i wanted to run. . . i did. . . i ran to my Father in the form of seeking those prayer warriors who could help carry my burden - i realized i couldn't handle things on my own - so i didn't even try - asked God's people to interceed for me cuz i couldn't pray for myself. my spirit controlled me not my flesh.

have i done a good job of letting the spirit control me since then - i would be lying if i said yes - but my heart desires to submit and surrender - that's my struggle to daily let God have more and more of me. i have made many mistakes and poor choices in my walk - but one thing i've never doubted was God's hand in my life -- i've walked away and did my own thing - i've played the fence hopping game - i've wore many masks all in the name of looking good. and i've tried to be transparent in the name of being in community. i was reminded today by my pastor that there are some instances where community is only ment for your local body -- maybe that was my problem. i tried to seek community where it didn't really belong - work is work and family is family - maybe they need to be left in those boxes.

i have felt God's presence and i've heard him physically speak to me. . . on the flip side, when i've been a prodical. . . . and i knew it -- God's spirit caused unrest and a block in my time with Him in anyway shape or form. i've felt the stirring of un-easiness when i've not right with God and i try to worship in any way - some times it actually hurts. but i feel i have also experienced at various times God's restoration -- those times when i've come running and fell down and said i'm sorry or thank you or not say anything but be quite and still. i've experienced an overwhelming sense of humblness, graditude, and love when i'm forgiven or walking in the spirit.

i've known what it's been like to resist God's correction and i've known what's it's like to feel His arms of comfort in the middle of the storm - at no time have i've been so far away that i didn't think God could pull me back. . . cuz God never gives up on me - man may but God doesn't.

this weekend i've had to wrestle with my motives, my desires, my flesh. . . and again after reading my journals i see a pattern -- i was holding on to something because in a small - yet deadly way it had become an idol to me - this break through came through listening to a kid's radio show called "Down Gilead Lane" - how much am i willing to give up inorder to serve God to walk in obedience? my answer: even this. in a weird way i don't see this closing door as a grieving thing -- i can now seek thing that i've not had time for --

yes, i may have been wrong in how i handled things 4 years ago or even since -- but would change them. . . i would lying if i said 100% no - i wouldn't have gone to the extremes i did . . . yet these events have helped to shape my tenderness towards God in so many -- sometimes you can't understand Grace fully until you've lived it fully. many times in the quiteness of my apartment or my shower or my car when it's just me and God either in large group setting or when i'm alone - i feel like the women who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and wipe them with her hair -- he responded to the critisim with - she has been forgiven much so she loves much - my paraphrase.

i guess i just need to rethink my idea of church and being real with those in my life -- i don't habor any ill will -- i just think we are seeing the same situation through different, shaded lenses. i wasn't confessing because of getting caught or because i hadn't allowed God to deal with me first or because I wasn't dealing with it period. . . in my mind i was just sharing more of who i was and what has shaped me.

my prayer is that i can and will be humble, teachable, and willing to take the critisism even at the risk of my own feelings -- i don't need to defend myself -- God is my defender -- He knows my heart -- so i will end this post with the same way i started it -- i'm seeking to stand on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let His praises ring. . . if God is for me, who can be against me? ICorn. 10:13

i decide to check the local newpaper online from my home town and what do i see. . . Glendale's in the playoffs! for the first time in. . . well. . . i can't count that high - Glendale will be having a parade and pep rally - for the football team of all things! the last pep rally i've heard of at glendale was when i was in highschool and glendale's softball team went to states.

boy i want to go home and caught the viking spirit - but thanksgiving baskets call my name.

so i take some time out of my retreat with with God to attend a funeral -- who ever heard of a funeral at 7pm on a friday night? - well, this was a first for me -- we weren't thinking there was going to be a lunchon - but oh yes there was -- at 8pm we were serving almost a full course meal - i'm back at office, i let the desk know i'm here and head back to my side of the building -- i go outside to get my stuff and what do i see - for the first time since working at the mission. . . there is a man hanging out the passenger's side car door.

my first reaction -- what the crap?! - i pulled the guy out of my car and asked what he was doing in my car -- probably not the smartest thing to do - but it seemed natural. i recoginized his face - he's been here many time for meals and i could smell that he'd been drinking.

he was oh so apologizing all over the place -- i led him to the front desk door to see who he was and what the staff on duty knew about him -- i found out -- i was told it was my call on whether to call the police or not -- after talking to this guy for a bit, i realized just how blessed we are here. i'm here all hours day and night and at no time ever i felt in danger -- God's peace and protection rests on this place. it's interesting, by his own admission, he's never stayed here - we confirmed that - but he's a regular at meals - he says he's homeless yet he get's an income - oh the folks we serve -- praise God for His grace.

do i feel unsafe now ? no -- but i did make sure my car was locked before i came back in. he said he was looking for change - he wouldn't have found any -- clothes, thanksgiving basket stuff, books, and other things associated with my life -- but no change - only toll 60 sees my change - but wait - i can go ez-pass if i want - what i want is that 16 miles of road to be free just like the other 30-40 miles of it.

may my weekend be filled with the sights and sounds of my Savior.

Broken

i found this last night while doing my laundry -- wow - as i watched it found myself being ovewhelmed.

We Bow Down

i need to bow down more often

i passed. . . the drug test that is. it's the only thing this week that i've done well on -- apparently kevin has decided that we all need current drug tests - or in my case - my first one since working for passvant -- so for one of the few time in my life, my big mouth was good thing - the mouth swob didn't even tickle -- i'm good to go - but not really

human relationships are so complicated -- why? why is that the same thing God created us for is one of the hardest things to work through -- God created us to be in relationships of many kinds but why at times those same relationships the ones that seem the most impossible to navigate through. i can drive through crappy snow storms, rain that keeps coming and coming, i can work in a building that every time it rains the bathrooms are un-usable but human relationships are something that i want to run from right now.

assumptions made about me but no questions to me. . . what the crap -- i'm tired of having to justify myself to you -- when it's not you i need to be justified to - it's my Savior. i know you want what's best for me -- so do i and frankly - i'm more mature this time around -- i'm not a kid this time around -- i've learned from my mistakes.

and you over there -- you say i'm not being fair. . . i'm asking you to do something that you can't -- no, not can't don't want to. . now who's being fair? the same human relationships that keep telling me i need to let things go are the same human relationships adding to my plate - and no one is listening to me and what i'm being told by God -- i feel left to make the decisions on my own -- the support is not there -- no, that's not right -- the support is coming from the one human relationship i am not desiring to run from -- actually i ran to them -- they never tell me what i want to hear - they lead me to the Word - they love on me and tell me i'm okay.

i want to run - i don't need this -- i didn't agree to this -- but God deserves my best not my almost best -- and running would be disobedient - yet no matter what i do i'm still walking in partial obedience - which according to c. stanely in the book confronting caual christianity - is still disobedience. i can't and will not step through doors that are not mine anymore -- yet i can't just run away - i need to be a steward of that which God has given me - yet the options are not good in either directions.

it has taken me such a long time to admit and ask for help - but now. . . when i'm yelling. . . no one is listening. . . again, the same human relationships that have yelled at me for years is now turning deaf. yet i can't give up on making my needs known -- cuz someone is listening -- and that's my heavenly father - who pleads with me to make my requests known - and that i have. i'm waiting for the peace. . .His peace to run in and guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

in the end, i will not run from those human relationships in my life. i must love and serve and support because that's what's honoring to my Father -- even through you think i'm an immoral mess who's teetering on the verge of nonethingness -- my Father knows me better -- i am seeking His holiness -- it's going to look different for me than you -- but that's how our God works -- very individual. that decision is not consuming my mind and life -- and from the beginning i made it clear the time table was not set -- but after ms. lila's comment, i owed it to God to ask some questions -- and i some clarity - but not totally thus, i'm not stepping without certainity -- no matter how much of a girl i am -- i'm surrendered to God first, and being a girl last. you asked for accountablity -- i honored that -- i agreed with it - it's there -- now please allow my relationship with her to be what God uses to keep me humbled here. she asks me point blank questions and will not take shug offs as answers -- oh, wait that's another support i am running towards -- but it's not all her job either.

at the end of the day what matters most to me is how faithful i've been, how out of control i've been and how in control He has been in my life, and how my life is honoring Him -- i would like to say that's all that matters -- and really it is - but you and you over there matter to me to and i don't want to hurt you over there and i don't want to keep my guard up i want to trust you but how can i when i'm always feeling like what i say doesn't matter you already have your ideas in place about me?

"seek first His kigdom and His righteousness. . ." that's my prayer!

shhhhh. . .i'm trying to study!

so i have not one hour to kill before i have to be back at the center for hope doing fun little thanksgiving basket stuff. i pondered what i could do for 2 hours that wouldn't require me to travel back to my end of beaver county. . . i thought i would go into rochester to the public library and hang out - but wait!

there is trinity school of ministry right here in ambridge - why don't i venture there - were my thoughts as i was driving down merchant st. - so, i fumbled around the one-way streets until alas i found it!

it's a rather small yet scholarly campus -- i found my way to the cubby hole they call a book store - looked around for a few books that i may need for my own class - what the heck! it is a seminary after all - they've got to have some of my baptist books. . . ? well . . . not so fast - i found several of the books dr. payne references in lectures but none that i actually need or should have read. however, the sweet little lady behind the desk is too nice - she searched and found two of my book that she can order and to boot she's giving me 20% off since i am seminary student connected to geneva - it pays to name drop!

and i called a student who is going to check out the other two books i need -- stink'n cool - so, by monday i will have one of the two books read that i need to have read inorder to write my paper due soon - somethings never change -- i had very good intentions to get the books on halfprice.com but when i finally got around to ordering them - they were out of stock - so, my race to save money didn't work -- but i am saving something 20% that is -- next semester i'm going to have to get into gear and get the books earlier. but for now i'm going to just have to kick my butt and read - read - read my little eyes out!

okay - speaking of reading i'm going to go sit on this fun little sofa and read my alvin reid book that techincially was due back to southern last week - only a few weeks late -- it's better than the sweet home alabama video in my office! - or i can sleep. . . sleep or reading - not sure . . . what do you think?!! - hopefully my alarm on vibrate will wake me up in order to back at the center by 5:30pm

francie

glory days - oh their pass you by -- words from bruce springstein

so i'm not usually this school spirited -- but until now those of us who attended crappy glendale jr/sr. high never really had anything to have school spirit over. but now -- the football team has finally figured out what it takes to win a game and better yet to have a above .500 record. much to my surpise, a month ago i was reading the altoona mirror - the local paper from home - on line -- and to my surprise i read that my fair highschool football team had beaten a team that we never beat - and even more suprising was that glendale had a winning record - the first in over 2o years - yes, you read right - 20 years.

i'm posting fun pictures of my school cuz the district's website doesn't have our fun masgot on it - we are the glendale vikings! - and yes, i say we - cuz finally i can be a fun little cheerleader for my school -- as i've kept up with the team, i have cheered in my own little way from my office over beating rival school, mo-valley - again a team we hadn't beaten in a very long time. and just two nights ago, we won our homecoming over northern bedford - who according to the altoona mirror, we haven't beaten since the early 80's - i don't know what the new coaches have put in their water bottles but i sure like it!

it's got to be ironic for the coaches of old - they are all still teachers and funny things - the princple and assistant principle of the highschool - but to see their student's kids get the job done has to be interesting - and actually one of the key players is the principle's son - who while he was a coach was just a baby - running around in a lil viking jersey and all - how cute! - yet it didn't help the cause - but now - he's making his mark.

okay - all of this to say - way to go glendale - finally i have something to be proud of in regard to my highschool!

by the way - blue and gold are our school colors!

praying with power

for one who meets alot with my students and my staff, i hate meetings -- especially when they don't start on time. that's what happened to me today -- i was to have a thanksgiving basket meeting at 10am - which didn't start on time -- followed by a development meeting - which didn't start on time either.

i found myself just sitting in the conference room waiting. . . but a few things happened - i was able to enter in a fun conversation with chuck, our program/aftercare director, about the heart - our motives and such - it started cause he asked me if i had seen greg - a former client in the men's recovery program who now works as a maintance guy at a rescue mission in wv - i said yes - we talked for a bit about greg and where he was and this with God -- we talked about the desire to run when things get hard over walking in faith and obedience -- wow! i'm not too different from the guys we serve -- but when it come down to it - it's a battle for the heart -- where my heart is, my treasure will be also!

and then kevin came in and our development meet was about to begin - but like any good little christian group of folks - we can't start a meeting without prayer - but this time - kevin's prayer was like none other i've heard him pray before any other staff or committee meeting -- he prayed that we, the staff, the clients, the officals in power - locally and nationally - would all remember and know that God is King and God is soverign - Wow!!! - he prayed with such passion/power, and excitement -- i could tell He had been with Jesus - he was changed -- even though money is tight and kevin is a bit paniced - i noticed something today in his demeanor -- He wasn't stressed - his prayer showed me he was really, allowing his heart to win - his heart to control his mind - his heart was focused on God's heart - he desires to see lost people come to know His Savior - he desires men, women, and families to be reconciled first with God and second with man - he desires to see lives transformed, but mostly he desires to see God's kingdom come and His glory be known to all. that excited me as one under his leadership -- my leader, my boss's focus is right where it needs to be - and i praise God for that - cuz all things will fall into place -- God will honor the desires of His people as long as our desires are His - as long as we are saying "not my will, but yours"

i'm proud to be a part of the mission family to see the greg's, joe's, kurts, randy's and so many others come to understand and embrace whole heartly that which gives me abudent life -- My Savior, My God!

she peed again!

okay why is it that my friend's dog, abbey, loves to pee on me?!

so i go over to my friend dee's house tonight to just hang with her - she's had just about as much drama this month as i've had - to shorten the drama, her house was flooded when her water softener system broke and many,many, gallons of water poured out into her house - and to make matters worse - her husband drives truck and is gone throughout most of the week - she had to deal with it her self and she has two kids in school


but i just went over to try and encourage her - she called me right in the middle of my drama and i just couldn't make time for her -

so i walk in and abbey is jumping around - she just came in from being outside right before i walked in - she came over to me jumped up on my lap and turned over and just as i was about to say. . . "abbey don't pee. . ." she started to pee all over my knee and the newspaper - what the crap!!!


dee made the comment that it's because she's excited to see me - she misses me - i haven't beena around much lately -- well . .. that's true and it got me thinking on my way home - if a dog can be that excited that she pees - what about God -- just how excited does He get when He sees me - and more importantly - howe excited should I get when I'm in His presence - i'm not saying I need to pee - but do i get that pumped that i could loss control and just ooze love all over for Him?

i know this post is a bit weird - but as a wise person at ridegecrest said -"ya ooze what ya are" what's in me tonight? - i so miss that excitement for my God -- i need to get back to that -- what about you?

okay - just a few of the thoughts that's been running in my head tonight

need to go and catch up on homework and lectures and er!

things i've realized today

so i learned something about myself today. . . i'm not all that bad. . .

i've been "saling myself short" on a few areas - mostly on my abitlites to handle the current drama in my campus min. life -- i have felt like a the worst director in the world in the since that i am going along with things so to speak and i'm asking what seems to be conflicting questions - but a wise person told me today that he's proud of me - not that i try to please anyone but my God - however, from him this ment alot - he has seen me grow in my leadership both in spiritual maturity and emotional as well - i was just a kid when i started out on this journey - but now - i'm an old fart and he trusted God to take a chance on me - and for that i'm greatful.

i realized today that yes, i am being objective - yes, i am doing what is right and i'm being fair. i realized today my own growth -- i'm not the same as i was a month ago or a year ago for that i'm humbled and stand in awe that the creator of the heavens and earth would see fit to transform me - to round out my edges - to Him belongs all praise and glory!

i realized today just why some things are as hard as they are -- the role i see myself in is more than a supervisor - i guess i just care too much sometimes - i guess that's one of my strengths yet most of the time it's a weakness - my caring too much usually leads to me trying to control - or what comes across as opposition when really it's just trying to assist the person avoid pain and hurt - but i know in my mind i can't stop either of those - but what i can do is be a listening ear - a shoulder to cry on - maybe that's what's needed more than anything - people need to know i love them before i can speak into lives with correction.

i realized today just how tired i am -- i've never wimpered and cried like i did today -- boy i was an only child -- i just need my mom - i just need to go home - but home isn't there anymore - i need to thoughts of what was and not what is - i need to just crawl up beside my mommy and lay on her and allow her to tell me everything is going to be alright

i realized today how much kevin trusts me and realizes how capable i am at doing my job -- i've never been in a meeting with him in this manner - it was good but weird - i enjoyed just hanging with him and hearing more of his heart for what we do at the mission -- sometimes i don't see that - sometimes all i see is the tornado of kevin and not the heart - that was refreshing

but mostly - of all the things i realized today - i realized just how much my Father loves me today -- he opened up His arms and loved me in many, many ways - He never ceases to amaze me.

Wow - this semester has been a whirlwind of activity - first the sonicflood concert and now - haystack! for the next 3 weeks we will be challenging our students to seek fervantly spiritual renewal -- to lay ourselves on the alter and say - "I am your's" to say "here I am send me" to say "take all of me."

some of the activities we are planning really aren't that different from what we normally do - however - our focus is a bit different -- we are seeking to provide an avenue for students to see first hand the power of God in their lives as they confess and allow Him to use them -- not only on our campus but all over beaver county -- we want them to "as they go" do ministry - to allow God to use them to proclaim the good news to all - to see the book of Acts power.

we will start with prayer -- because anything worth doing for God must be grounded in fervant prayer - the foundation must be layed before the house is built. we will then move to service - to serve at Christ served - and lastly - after we've earned the right to be heard - week 3 will be to share our stories -- to proclaim boldly the work of salvation/grace/and power of God in our own lives - just as the apolostels did in the book Acts and throughout the new testiment.

i'm excited to see what God has in store for us - may we do all things as unto our God - for it's him we are serving and not ourselves!

it's over!

wow - after almost 5 months of calls, emails, and such - it's finally over - the fun-o-sonicflood is now just history - but i'm sure God will have it linger in our minds for a bit!

my heart is that all 700 or so people who came out will be daily overwhelmed with who He is and will continue to say "yes, here I am send me" - may last night be a start of a great awaking in our area, on our campuses, and mostly in our hearts!

thank you to all who helped - we were defintely part of something so much bigger than our little corner of pa

today - i'm tired yet it was all worth it - my little body is filling the effects of all the walking, pulling, lifting, and non-stop movement - my caffine buzz wore off as i was driving home -- but a hot after concert shower was just want i needed - i praised my God and just stood in amazment - Let the people cry, holy, holy, holy!

Ancient Words

okay, i know i shouldn't have. . . but it was a birthday celebration at grand book and bible today - so, after venturing to aldi's to get the rest of the fun food for sonicflood - i dashed to the bookstore to get my discount ducky and save money -- i was looking for the cd that just "popped' out to me - well . . . here it is. . . for several months now i've been intrigged with the music from isreal - see the guys and joe attend a messanic jewish temple in new castle - and they've been listening to this type of music -- it's so refreshing to be connecting with the roots of Savior. to see and hear how He would have worshipped, to sing the scriptures as He would have - it reminds me i've been adopted - grafted - as scripture says - into the family that has been chosen by God.

and then this summer to encounter the bible school that i did - they sang the shema - they taught the kids their heritage -- oh yes - not only do they need it but we adults need a history lesson in the heritage of our faith - so - hear o isreal, the lord your God is one!

this is very good music to mediate with and on.

i would recommand it highly!

fall is here

so as i've driven around today, one thing has been apparent - FALL IS HERE! seeing the tops of the trees start to turn is a cool site -- even though i hate this weather - pa sucks for crappy weather - i love the beauty of autum. and not to mention - my flowers are blooming - why can't have flowers like normal people - flowers are to grow and bloom in the spring and summer - mine decide to grow in aug. and sept - silly flowers!

on a more serious note - as i was at 19 north last night, it really hit me - this concert on sunday -- i need to be interceeding - i've been talking about how it's not just another concert but to walk around the building last night - it was impressed on my heart the need to prepare the way in prayer - major decisions will be made that night -- some for the first time to walk with Christ others to a life of surrender and still others to a life of services to the ends of the earth. those 2 hours could be the 2 hours of life and death for someone - may you Father be in the midst - may we see you do big things beyond what we can see or imagine - may you be glorified and may your church be set free, be healed, and be united!

God of Mercy!

okay - i've been a bit distracted lately - i'll admit, i've fallen behind in my class work and lectures - this afternoon i watched part of a back lecture with the intenion of watching the rest tonight after my time at the "kreme"

so i get home - take the fun after krispy kreme shower - spend more time talking to my Father, praising him in song, and pleading for guidence - a little side note - it's a wonder in my little apartment that my smoke detector in the kitchen doesn't go off from my showers - i stepped out of the bathroom and was greeted with a think fog of steam streaming from the bathroom and pouring all throughout my bed and into the livingroom -- who would have thought that a 30 minute hot shower would leave it's mark!!! but i digress!

back to my story -- i sit down in my living room in silence "listening" and just being still and quite before my God - after all how am i to get direction and answers if i'm loud and talking all the time. after a while i found myself not really tired - i decided to watch the remaining lectures - so i did -- for the next hour or so i learned all about evangelism and church history from the revivals in the british isle to the revivalist movement of the 20th century - enlighting yet alot of info. i found myself a bit overloaded. so, in the attempt to be a good student i pull out my binder for my class and i flip to the notes from the last lecture inorder to put the new notes in. but wait. my eyes gazed at the syllabus and realized that i had a mid-term due in just 48 short hours

OH CRAP! was my words. . . and when i mean due - i mean needed to be proctored and mailed and recieved by Sept. 29 - i realized i was screwed. so, i'm online preparing to download my midterm -- picture it - i try to log on to e-campus at southern - can't remember my password - ask for a new one but can't remember the password for my southern email - i generally just click on the link from e-campus - i have it set up that i'm automatically logged in when i log into e-campus. this is the lazy man's way of it - but this time i've been bitten in the butt!

i can't remember passwords - i'm old, what can i say! i finally find the right combo of the version of the password i thought was it and it was. i get into my email to find a gift from my Savior. Dr. Payne - the prof. teaching this course - emailed to say that the midterm would be pushed back a week - PRAISE GOD!! i was not ready to pull and alnighter this early in my seminary career.

my God knew i've been stressed and not too focused and He has given me grace inorder that i may do my best - to perform with excellence as a student - to show myself approved - rightly dividing the Word of Truth - not for me to get good grades or for me to try and impress Dr. Payne with my abilities to b.s. - but inorder to honor Him through my studies - to really apply what i'm learning and to mediate on the truthes of Him i'm learning in this class. I know only have 1 lecture to caught up on and two discussion questions to answer and 2 books to read inorder to do my comparaitve anylasis paper - my God is so good to me!

okay - it's night to sleep a bit.

hump day maddness

oh yet but another night of krispy kreme fun - and fun it was -- another night of the line breaking, new girls, and the big boss - the president, ken being in. but i was able to make myself a fun filled cup of double chocolate hot chocolate with tons of whipped creme - that made my night!

and i learned something new. . . we can make our dounuts into the shapes of footballs - how fun is that?!!

but mostly - i was able to pray, ponder, reflect and just ask my daddy questions -- why is being in charge so stressfull? - i wonder what jesus felt like being the leader of 12 -- tonight i walked into the "kreme" and bryan - the assistant general mananger visably appeared to be losing it -- i took some time to ask what was wrong -- he proceeds to tell me that he has been trying to leave since 3pm and just can't seem to get out the door -- too much drama! - he said his wife keeps asking him why he can't eat dinner with them lately -- my heart went out to him -- here he is - struggling to do the best he can and not feeling like he's accomplishing anything -- how often do i feel like that?! - all the time.

i know there are some in my life that isn't happy with my views and my leadership - i feel like i'm screwed either way -- i don't want to be the bad guy yet i can't say for certain that "this is God's timing and leading" -- all through out scripture we see God confirming His leading through His word - and in my own life i can testify to that -- when i sense God's leading - it's always confirmed as I read, study and hear His Word taught, as well as through others in my life.

i often pray for God to prepare the way . . . to already be working in another's life before i have to speak with or ask for something -- to give me favor in man's eyes - not for me but for His Glory and to further His kingdom. i just don't see that "preparing the way" thing here. maybe i'm not looking for it - what's stopping me? - i'm not really worried about how things will work cuz my God reassures me that He's got me and He's not letting go. that's where i am walking n faith.

God i just ask that as we open your Word - prepare the way - lead, guide and direct and allow us to be willing to listen and obey.

francie

oh what a shower can do!

my last post was ful of questions - but after taking the fun after krispy kreme shower -- and pouring my heart out to my Father - i have even more questions - something just isn't right.

in trying to be fair, objective, and supportative - i'm trying to check myself - and still things just don't jive. how can one thing be so clear one moment and the next it's foggy? in my experience, fog occurs right after or before a rain shower -- what are you trying to pour out God? please make it clear - fog can be hunting, fog can be hard to navigate through, yet, fog can be cool to look at - it can bring the since of mystery and thrill of what lies ahead - is that what i'm to dwell on - what's ahead and not what's hard to see or what's unclear?

Psm. 25: 4-8 sums up my thoughts for today. - lead, guide, and teach because you are the God of my salvation!

things never go the way you planned

so tonight i pulled up to my favoriate dounut shop ready to play with dounuts. even though i have been away for a day, the smell still bowls me over. i walk in and the assistant manager, steve tells me he's really glad to see me -- apparently it's been a day already for them - the 3rd shift guy's sister died so there's no overnight shift - so. . . all his work needs to fall on us and the store will close - interesting -- so - we were all running around trying to get "caught up" - me in the back staging and all of a sudden steve comes back and says "we have a problem" - he's looking for tools - not a good thing i tell ya - this was about 7pm

well . . . the point to this ramble is . . . the fryer is fried! -- all dounut production stopped -- not a good thing for a store that is responsible for two other store's dounuts - but i was able to fill those orders - but that left our store short.

the poor general manager, jerry, steve, and the district guy, eric - are all pouring over the fryer trying to figure out how to fix it. all jerry can say is "i don't have time for this" what started out to be an easy day has turned out to be a disaster of great magnatitude. without the fryer no - i repeat - NO dounuts can be made - and the way life at the "kreme" works is every shift relies on the next to do their part inorder for the whole thing to work -- i've been there going on 4 months now and the biggest thing i've noticed is how hard the managers all work - they give themselves totally to the "job" - jerry, steve, bryan, diane, marci - they all work long hours - helping out all over the place -- and i now it's not the money -- they all believe in the team -- the whole store doing well - even eric when he's in works retail, processing, you name it.

well . . . that's my thoughts about my life right now -- i don't have time for the drama. it seems i've not had one calm week since the semester started and it's not going to calm down now. i can really learn alot about leadership from watching the managers at the "kreme" - they teach me alot about being flexable and doing the best you can with what you have product wise and staff wise to work with -- take for example -- what i do -- i don't really work hard -- when i work with steve - i usually box the glazed off the line - these are the dounuts that go to stores -- i generally do the staging -- preparing the routes for the drivers to take the dounut orders to stores - and i do processing - putting the filling in dounuts, putting chocolate/sprinkles on the glazed dounuts and so on. -- early on with steve working with me - he realized i'm quick and i'm able to work independently and get the work done well - and it helps i can read and understand teh production sheets - the sheets that tell us how many of each kind of dounuts gets boxed and which routes they go on and so on - so, instead of doing retail he has me do what he sees i'm good at and i fill in wherever needed.

that's a teachable moment -- i need to be more flexable - use what and who i've got and not try to fit folks into my model. i just wish it wasn't so stressful - i wish i could enjoy this experience more - i'm always feeling like i'm not providing enough guidence/training/ or giving enough of me and my time to those i'm leading -- i feel like i'm bearly keeping my head above water - and that's now -- what's next? i feel like i'm surely going to sink -- something will need to come off of my plate -- i can't give me best if i'm drowning from stress, busyness, overworkedness, and being tired -- i fill now i'm not available enough - what then? -- i will never be on campus staying connected - i will be conducting meetings and doing admin. all the time

but if one thing has been made clear to me over the course of a year - is now my limits - and i am - i have - my good freind debbie reminds me all the time that i'm not super woman - she's right -- something must and will need to give - even by giving up the "kreme" something else will have to go -- i will not be honoring God with my busyness - i will be doing the work of ministry but not being.

i guess my thoughts now must be - what's next? - what's got to go - what am i really being called to? maybe this ride has come to it's end -- maybe my time is over. why is being an adult so hard? oh, i long for the days when my greatest worry was what i was going to do after school during these short fall days.

but one thing is certain -- for i know that my redeemer lives!

the old made new

i finished watching one of my favoriate movies last night before i went to bed. it was right towards in the end when my cell phone rang -- it was my "jake"

we hung out -- it was nice. we laughed, talked about football, we talked - really talked - it was comfortable - not awakard at all. i feel like reese witherspoon - i like my life - but this fits too. i can see he's trying to submit -- he told me about the things he's talked to God on -- and it has nothing to do with me -- that's good. i was able to share what i've been praying for in regard to him -- i explained i've been praying that God would apprend him and capture his heart again -- he told me he thinks God's doing that.

the one thing i've always liked about my "jake" is he is honest - he speaks his heart - not his mind -- you can see his emotions in his words -- and he's straight up with ya. he challenges me to be honest as well - to not sugar coat things - he sees through my masks to the real me.

we took a step forward -- movie night and dinner -- i make dinner - he brings the movies - he says mine are corny - go figure -- chic clicks corny! but this time - he told me to "bring my girls" -- he wants to meet the folks in my life -- that's not the darryel i knew -- he has changed and matured.

i'm not leaping blindly -- i'm not rushing ahead -- we are both very aware what "we" want - but we keep reminding each other -- it's not about what we want - it's about what God wants and where and how He is leading -- i'm not going to lie -- i want my wants to be God's - but this is where i need to submit and surrender - not my will but your's - much easier said then done - but i'm not alone -- he is faithful -- He will teach me, guide me, and lead me - as long as i'm willing to obey.

trust and obey for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey

celebrating the harvest

"Your not with out hope, not without love, not witout Jesus". . . these are the words to the song i've heard about 50 or so times with the powerpoint slide show that my boss' wife created about a year ago. there have been times when i've watched the slide show and listened to the song and all the while i was thinking about then the event would be over. not today. today was no ordinary saturday for me. and anyone who has been around me while i've been working at the Mission will understand. i generally hate open house months -- we run around, making everything so shiney and pretty, we focus on the details rather than the big picture, we lose our tempers with each other, not to mention the long hours, lack of sleep, and money we shell out -- all for what? -- for those who God is calling to sow into His ministry to see His stories of amazing Grace!

i must admit - i complain every time open house rolls around -- it's like the end of the semester finals -- i know they are coming and i know they will pleasent and i'll meet new people but it's the crap leading up to it that i hate. but today we had our fall open house - this wasn't any ordinary open house - it wasn't business as usual -- it was our 95th anniversity birthday party!

to hear the stories and testimony from past board memebers and current boardmembers and long time friends and donors - was. . . overwhelming! i realized as marylee started the slide show -- what an honor and a privilage it is to serve at the mission. not that i didn't know that before - but God smacked me with the David Crowder song -- "come and listen, come and listen to what He has done" -- God has allowed me to be part of something so much bigger than me. i'm part of the spiritual heritage God has been wavey in the region for 95 years. to hear the stories of God's provision - his direction - and those who have come before me . . . all i can say is wow.

that's not all - marylee updated some the pics. - to see some of my groups, my volunteers - those i've worked with - i've build relationships with - i was reminded that God has placed me here and he is using me. at times i feel like the slacker staff memeber -- i can't report much by way of work done in the ministry from my department -- i don't have stats such as how many nights of sleep i've offered or how many meals i've given -- but what i can see is the lives God has allowed me to intersect with - the youth from the york, pa rescue mission, the youth from bell memorial, jeff rickabaugh's group, ken nelson and so many more.

another thing that hit me -- seeing the folks that we've served -- a few i've gotten to know - again - what an honor to be witness to God's power and grace in working in a broken life. yet my heart hurts for the alfred's, the mark's, the ron's who walk away. Father, may you look after them - and capture their hearts again.

over all i must say this has been the best open house we've had - i know april is on it's way - but i'm going to enjoy today!

so tonight was the season premier of er -- can i say this is one thing that lingers over from my college days. i remember my roommates clinging to the tv every thursday watching friends and er -- they couldn't see me at the cabinet until after 11pm. i used to get so mad. but then there was an off week of the newspaper and i was home on a thursday night - and that's when it happened. . . my er addiction started. it got so bad that i had a small tv in the newspaper office just to listen to the show. but here i am many moons later and i'm still hooked. . . gone are dr. doug and mark green - gone are noah wiley and julian marquise - but it's still an excellent show. and tonight it kept me from screaming as i painted the massive wall of crap here at the mission.

can i say . . . i'm tired of painting -- i'm all specally with toast and bleach sand paint, i'm dirty from planting mums and my feet are swetting -- i need a shower but i'm not going to drive home now -- my little ghetto van bench seat will get company tonight -- it's sleeping in my office for me - oh what fun i have working at the mission!

francie

where have i been?

when i started this blog, i vowed to not be one of those people that post like once every month or so - but saddly i must eat my word.

so - where have i been? running around but not really accomplishing anything - bearly keeping my head above water - but praise be to my God who has pushed back the waters to keep me from drawning.

the mission - no focus - too much happening - open house, finalizing summer stuff, thanksgiving hell time, christmas stuff -- i hate this time of year -- i don't feel like i get to enjoy God at the mission during this period -- i feel like i'm in such a rush to get donations of all kinds that i miss the reason i'm here.

campus - stressful - but leveling out -- just like last year -- it seems the things God is calling me to is not what I want to do -- i want to be meeting students - on the front line, but that's not where i'm being led. i need to step back - equip, it's a bit of a change for me - even more so than the previous years. but i'm seeing God move greatly.

church - i hurt - that's all i can say - the building looks nice but the contents are broken - until sins are exposed - reconcilation/repentence takes place we will never move on - we will sit and sour and have to be tossed out into the trash.

school - that's my bright spot! - i'm learning so much that i'm realizing how much i don't know and how much i love God. at times i don't feel as smart as the others in the class - i don't over anylasis the topics being discussed - i just share my heart - i wonder what dr. payne thinks. - i hope to meet this man this summer when i go down for j-term (summer session) it's still hard to believe i'm really a seminary student - but it's refreshing. God is using this "class" time to remind me of His love for me and that He's got me and is not letting me go - and truth be told - i'm becoming ever increasingly bold to share the "goodnews" -- that's something i've struggled with - the boldness to proclaim -- not because of fear or anything we would think - but basically just because of my own laziness. God is really opening my eyes to the hearts of the lost and i'm crying out more.

my life -- this whole "man" thing is frustrating - how can you come back into my life to just stay away? how are we going to get to know each other again - the correct way if we avoid the issue. yes, we know there's a connection - but avoiding it will not make it go away - seriously it will most likely lead to a fall and slip thing - i just want you to see what i see - why are you one day seeking and the next stand offish -- just submit - surrender - give it up - your plans, your desires. maybe it's not to be what we want - maybe i'm just dreaming -- but i can't see myself with anyone else - no matter how much i've tried - how many i've pursued - it still comes back to you - maybe lila is right - how long? how long will it take? - i have written you letters - but ever seems right to finish them - and would you really listen or get them? - we need to clear the air.

okay now that i've rambled - i need to get back to work - need to be productive.

francie

tired but worth it!

man, a year of planning and a week of craziness - and it's over. this past weekend was for me one of the most tiring yet Holy Spirit led weekends i've had in a while.

being on the one voice music festival committee has been - at times - hell! to the point where i've thought about stepping down - but in my duty mentality - i couldn't just walk out of a responsiblity - so, i hung in there to the end. and i'm glad i did! with jeremy and debbie as my co-leaders - this has been a true team effort. i thought about it on the way home friday night - we all shared in the work-load. no one of us had more to do than the other -- it was freeing to be collabroting with them - sharing in the joy, frustations, and anger. and because of each one of our humility - God moved greatly!! God used us to provide an envirnoment for Him to heal, transform, convict, refresh - and just call us to come thirsty to Him!

we had more cancellations this year than any other time - but we didn't panic - God led us and showed us His direction - mj stepping in to talk about the true meaning of worship - not only is he a talented rapper and dj but he's a pastor! all4souls ministering through rapp which was relevant and understandable - and may i add cool beats! ben deem and his band ushering into the throne room of God and allowing us to come with them - loosed to praise - i'm not sure what else to say - but WOW! -- throught their dancing and theme interpts. they challenged us to see God through the pain and hurt and then there was dave luskco -- that boy is annointed to worship through song! he was the missing link in our planning -- he called the church together through his emceeing, playing, speaking - it was annointed.

not only was i helping to make it run smoothy - but i was ministered to all weekend! and to have my mom there hearing the gospel through song, preaching, and just experiencing the body of Christ loving on her/exending a hand of assistance - that left a mark - she is changed - she didn't make a profession - but she's closer than she was!

all in all - i'm tired - but it was worth it! Thank you God for giving me the honor and pleasure to serve you through One Voice -- I did experience a deeper thrist for you - i hunger for your abudent life!

francie

time to exhale

it's over. . .and it didn't kill me! as i drove home from my night of conflict resolution, i began to breath deeper - just taking the time to inhale and let it all out slowly - the whole week was exhaling with each breath. and with each breath came rejoicing and praise!

this entire situation has caused me to run . . . run to my Father for direction and help. i can't do this alone. i'm not that talented. i need your help abba! and you heard my cry from heaven and you came!

although i think we have many miles to travel before we arrive. . . i could sense willingness to try. i could sense the start of humility. years of hurt, pain, walls, defenses will not come down in one 3 hours meeting - but i see hope! and you are the Hope of Salvation - the Hope of Glory! I see You standing in the middle of the this dysfunction bringing peace/clearity/humility/surrender/unity/and love!

and ya know, i'm not that horriable of a leader - hope that doesn't sound prideful. . . but all day i kept telling myself i wasn't the person to lead this - to iginate this conversation. how could i. . . i'm the worst at communication and conflict resolution? how dare i . . . after all. . . i've hurt people just like that - i suck too, i'm all messed up? i was really doubting God - and His abilities in me -- maybe i'm not cut out to be a director of a team - maybe i'm better off handing this over to someone else - those where the thought plaguing me.

but -- what a testimony to God's faithfullness - when I can't -- He can! actually - i never should - He always should be in charge! i went into last night having little prep time - due to my day job stuff but also my own pracrastination -- i was fearful of tackling this too hard or too much w/o grace and love that i avoided it all day - but with one hour before, i spent time seeking Him -- I gave up my rights and my agenda - and Wow!! He led the night.

the moral to the story is. . . "perfect love casts out all fear" - May God add a blessing to His Word!

francie

what now?

okay my head feels 100 x's bigger than my body, my eyes hurt, i have too much flemage in my thought, i didn't get to sleep in today, had to work after all, and now. . . now. . . plans are caving in - what the crap?!

nothing like waiting to the last momement to pull the plug guys! -- i can't be angry with personal family drama - but a few days ago when i called to confirm - it would have been nice to be told what was up.

now i'm left to go back to the drawing board - but this time, i have no time - i have no energy - i have no "plan b."

i feel so helpless and frankly - i'm pissed! - actually pissed isn't the word - but to save myself from being thought differently by others - i'll keep those words in my mouth.

so - what's next?

the song that dave hunt covered on his "shattered" cd is running through my head:

"when hope is lost, i'll call you Savior
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart"

"i will praise you, i praise you,
though the tears fall still i will sing to you
i will praise you, jesus praise you
through the suffering still i will sing"

Father help this be the song of my heart today -- i feel so out of control, yet i know you are in control -- help me to trust you, help me to hold on to you, but most of all help me to praise you despite what i see with my eyes - may my heart see and sing louder than my voice!

odds and ends

so what can i say about my week?

crazy!

some how i've managed to work more hours than one person desires to, keep up with my studies lectures, and do more booking and planning for one voice. how has it all happened?

BY THE GRACE OF MY FATHER!

Thank you Abba for being my stength or carring me through the busyness!

freshmen stuff has been typical -- you see herds of confused and strange faces - you ask the same questions: what's your name, where ya from, how did you choose Geneva? this time of year is so much like the movie groundhog's day - i feel like the only thing that changes are the styles and the faces.

but for the most part it's been good. i've met some very good contacts such as sam, a miliarty kid who seems to be a loner - he's a computer geek type - very friendly and so just wants to have meaningful conversations with. then there is grace - she injured her foot/leg while working at camp this summer - hasn't had time to go to a doctor -- i sympathized - memories of my broken leg/cast and geneva were flooding back. so, i loved on her - hugs and all - and i hope she takes me up on the offer to take her to a dr.'s office.

and of course there are the returning students you reconnect with - such as noah, marlin, kate, and so on -- and with the new interns -- it's been a new experience for laura and i to just sit back and let things happen -- in some ways it's been good and in some ways i feel like i'm sherking on things -- i should be the one doing the tasks and encouraging them to go out and mingle and meet. but i guess there will be time after the forced fun of orination week is over. each year i struggle with this whole week -- i so enjoy and am honored that we are able to be part of the whole experience -- we are invited to do anything and be part of everything - we even get free food and all. but really - how many "real" contacts/encounters can we have? they are having so much info. shoved at them - but the name and brand recogization is just as important as the relationship building.

and this whole team thing. . . all i can do is continue to lay this at the throne of my Father and trust Him -- i don't have the answers - but I do know what God desires to do -- to reign healing, surrender, and His holiness all over our campus! and i know He desires to use us - but that can't happen if we are not a team - if we don't trust each other - if there isn't real and mutual respect for each other - cuz there will be no unity - and thus, we are not effective and usable as God desires. so, I trust You God - I know you are working even when I can't see it.

i do see postive things -- i do see movement to change - so, You are working Father - please teach me to be patient and to trust you more!

in other things related to life, love, and all things Francie. my church is almost all a light pumpkin color :( i so feel like my opinions as a member of that body is not being heard -- i feel like my pastor and his wife want to change everything -- and i know change can be good - but how much is too much change at once - and how much is man's change and not God's? the paint job is not the only change - but it's the one that's frustating me this week. - the issue i have is nothing matches - orange walls, blue chairs, and grey carpets -- makes for a lovely worshipful evinorment!

my confusion from sunday and monday is still there -- an upcoming conversation will hopefully help -- i've been really seeking direction - i don't want to fall back into the same trap of following my emotions and letting my feelings control me over God controlling me - God doesn't deserve my selfishness -- i don't want slap Him in the face with His Grace. this time - if i have to let go to see God change and transform another - that's what i need to do. i can't be the girl this time - i need to be out of control and let God lead.

okay - this is long enough - i don't get to sleep in tomorrow like i had hoped. but one day i'll get to sleep and rest - say. . . when i'm dead!

see ya
francie

why is it that one conversation/one event/one person in another's life can cause and epution of emotions which leads to confusion?

that's where i'm at right now.

the baptisms were refreshing -- beaver had the pleasure of seeing all generations coming into the family yesterday -- a child, a middle-aged man, and even a senior lady. pastor preached with such passion and emotion -- his challenges were trully holy spirit inspired. he shared may this day be the fresh-start in all of our lives. he went on to share that it's God who causes us to dye to self and gives new life. may God's healing winds and rain flow freely in our body.

yesterday was a day of many emotions - from saddness to joy - to down right confusion. confusion not because of decisions i need to make - but from old and new memories of persons once in my life. memories of those i've worshipped with, memories of those i shared life with, and memories of those i loved once.

why is it that once the proverable can of worms is opened you can't close it or deny it was opened. so now i must deal with thoughts, feelings, memories. i'm not ready to throw caution to the wind - i will not do that again - i can't afford it personally or spiritually. but i can't ignore what's right in front of my face -- so what's one to do?

the only thing i know - pray, talk, seek Him.

although i hadn't planned on making the call - i'm glad i did. i now know what's up. lila is right - that twinkle is there - she totally blow me out of the water with her comment - so how can i ignore it? this lady i love, i admire, i trust - she's really discerning - what did she see even then that i'm not? is it worth it?

i'll admit - when i found out the path that was taken, i was a bit jelious - i wanted it to be me - it should have been me. but is it now me? the truth is, after all this time there's something left - it can't be denied - but what is it? is it worth it?, is it right?, is it from Him? i will not settle, nor do i want any thing less than best - His best. i will not go back - but should it go foward?

i've stated my case - i've shared my stance - what's next?

if this is trully God's road and path - it's going to be a long, long road. i remember what once was - and i smile! - for the right reasons - i remember what caused the trip to begin. there have been stops, side roads, and even exits - can this car find the entrance ramp?

only God will tell.

in the mean time - i fix my eyes on the author and perfector of my faith!

francie

honesty

so today i spent the day doing a small training with my two new interns and my assist. we met at my church - how funny i touched on humility, communication, teamwork, and unity - the funny part is those things are missing from my church.

after we had dinner, i spent some time cleaning up and shutting off things. as i prepared to leave, one of my fellow church members was cutting the grass -- i stopped outside to chat for a moment. due to both of our busy schedules i had seen him or his wife for a bit. i asked the usually "how ya doin'" . . . what i was met with was real honesty.

"Not Good"

he went on to share how he was looking forward to and was excited about the up-coming baptism this sunday but at the same time sad over the recent events and drama of our church. we sent the next 10-15 minutes just lamenting together. the man of God whom i highly respect shared that this time is the first time since he had started attending in 1990 that he had a question mark as to the outcome -- he shared "i just don't know" - and with that statement, my brother had tears pouring down his face.

i feel this pain -- we agree we have been through alot with this family - but this loss - this loss really hurts - in more ways then one. of course we miss those who have left out of hurt and anger, yes, we are feeling the tenseness of the drama, but mostly reality is setting in -- no people in the pews means less funding, less resourses for God, less choices -- at some point the bank will run dry. what then?

how does a church operate without people? it's like running a car without gas - it just can't happen - at some point the tank with run dry and the fuel pump with burn up, causing more problems than just running out of gas.

is this really what God purposes for us? to run until we are dry and break down?

so i ask again. . . how can a church run with out the most needed thing - the church (the people) - without the church we just have a building - we are just maintaining stuff - we are not really being kingdom builders nor are we useful or useable to God.

the gentle man of God shared his only solution is psalm 46:10 -- i agree - we need to listen, wait, and ask for healing - in more ways then one. he shared he just has to place beaver in the Father's hands - wow! - what a mouthful! -

are we and have we placed ourselves and the rest of our family in our Father's hands? or are we conformed to man-made ideals of church? are we too prideful, to self-righteous to seek honest healing and forgiveness?

i don't have the answers for my broken family - but as i shared with my brother, no matter what I will praise my God for how He has worked in the past, for how He is working now - and yes, my heart must convince my mind that my God is directly in the center of this mess, He hasn't left us, and i must praise Him and give Him the glory for the outcome -- no matter what it is. whether good or bad all will be for His glory and for our good.

matt redmen penned and tree 63 exclaimed "Blessed be the name of the Lord"

Father help me to see you in the center of this storm. Please bring your healing rains and hover over beaver until we are soaked in your love.

start with me - help me to confess my hurt/anger/displeasure with those around me and give me the strength to seek forgivenss.

let the learning begin!

it's done!

i've registered for classes and i've payed my first payment! i'm now on my way to higher learning!

in other news: -- came out of Krispy Kreme at 11pm last night and what did i see -- a flat front tire!

stink - steve the manager on duty noticed it and the sweet boys of the donut world changed my tire. i kept saying i could do it - but brain - the nightshift production guy said "a man never let's a woman change a tire" - he finished by saying "unless your one of those famist types."

it's funny as he was getting on greasing and swetty, he was telling me of his mom who in his words is "one of those born again Christian types." he found it necessary to inform me the reason he isn't a Christian. we had a good conversation - i shared why I am and why i'm working there - he is a floater from another story, thus really doesn't know me too well. i got to share of my exciting new of seminary -- he seemed happy for me. i left thinking that it's no accident i'm there. that was one of serveral stories i got to share about why i'm doing what i'm doing -- working three jobs and why - with those i work with.

over all a good but tiring night

looking forward to making donuts tonight

francie

a student once more

wow - after 7 years of fighting and the last 3 months self doubt -- it's done!

I'm an offical student of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary!

I recieved word yesterday in a voicemail from the admissions office that i've been accepted!

it's hard to belive that i'm really a student again -- many things are running around my head. i never really thought i would go back. i had always dreamed of it but have been too scared to attempt it. however, after saying "yes" last May i've had peace about where the money was coming from, my time, how i was going to do this from Pa - but i'm not scared - now i'll admit. . . satan has been causing me to doubt my yes - but God's word reassures me that the straight path has been layed for me -- all i need to do is walk in it!

Lord teach me your way, guide me in your truth and teach me - for you are the God of my Salvation!

an empty church

as i looked around the santucary of my church today, this thought came to my head. . . not only was it an empty church attendence wise but in heart and unity as well.

i remember a year ago when God gave me this image of many bodies in the chairs but i couldn't see the faces. i realized then that now more than ever was God calling Beaver to something huge - bigger than us!

but what's our problem?

where are those butts that belong in those seats?

as pastor spoke about how Jesus' death reconciled us to God - one point he made as now we must be reconiled with each other - Christians all over the world have no reason to seperated by act,motives,words, etc cuz the blood of Christ is more than enough.

well. . . why does it seem it's easy to preach about and to teach on - but why can't our church life this out? why can't grown adults talk cival to one another and why can't we truely be honest?

I don't think it's fair to pastor for folks not sharing by now what's made them mad enough to leave - he can't help work on what he doesn't know is wrong - BUT - i don't think it's right to just sit back and make others come to you in the name of being biblical -- when really it's just a cop out.

it's weird. . . i feel like a stranger in my own church. due to my life at the mission and in campus ministry, i've been gone alot this month -- so to me, all of the drama is third person -- none of it really involves or effects me per say. yes, it does effect me cuz i'm a memeber of the church - but i'm seeing it a bit more neutral. i'm not against the pastor - however, i do see areas where he hasn't listend to the people and i do see where at times his wife can be a bit rough - but can't we all. i don't feel he deserves to be kicked out - what i do feel is we need to clean the air -- we need to first repent before our Father and then to each other -- it's hurts that several familes are gone with hurt and bitter feelings unsolved -- that does nothing good. it just causes a rift in the body as a whole.

oh we all should listen to david platt's teaching on what a true biblcal church is -- i'm sure we are not matching up at all

May God break us and cause us to see with His eyes, and feel with His heart -- we are His church - and a church divided only serves man and satan on our Lord/Master/ and Head.

priorities

so, today is my first day back in about two weeks -- yes, i was in my office last week for a few days - but was very distracted with life and campus min. stuff.

but i must say - even though i feel like a slacker here at the mission -- i believe i placed the right priority on things in my life.

i'll posting this cuz today was our reschedule quartely all employee meeting. notice i say rescheduled cuz it was to take place two weeks ago - but my director put another priority in it's place so our meeting was rescheduled.

with that said - my director became upset when the chapel was scarsely packed at 1pm -- for one these meetings are not mantatory and second, it was rescheduled -- a one dept. head had already cleared her vacation weeks back for this week.

but i've been thinking - why be mad? -- i understand you want people to take this seriously - but in one case, one dept. head was ministrying to a client rather than saying "i don't have time for, got to run to t a meeting"

aren't we here to see God change and transform lives? - then wasn't the priorities of certain staff right where they needed to be: meeting and praying with a confused women, helping one of our graduating recovery program clients move into their own place - isn't ministry about people?

okay - just a rant for now

francie

my family

12 years - that's how long i've been blessed to be a part of beaver baptist

i can't imagine being any other place and with any other body. but as i wrestle with the uncertainity of beaver, i had to think about that. i don't want to but i can't ignore reality.

it's funny, we have one church healing over the break with their pastor, one church who recently discovered their pastor was leaving, and then there is us. . . we have a pastor, but no church - how can that be?

on the surface i would say pride, selfishness, un-Christ-likeness all played a part - but i think the roots are deeper. my love of beaver has been the family feeling you get - the everyone knows my name experiences. i can't be away too long until i get a call asking how i'm doing, even if i'm away for campus min. or city rescue mission stuff - i'm honestly missed!

but as i reflect on the pastor mike years, a few months of our intrim pastor, and the four years w/o a pastor - i realize something. i think we, the body, gives too much power to the pastor and not enough to God - or better said, we trust the pastor to make all of our decisions rather together with the pastor seeking God's direction. in essence, our silence gives approval to all decisions the pastor makes. This is wrong -- we need to be allowing the pastor to do what he is instructed to do; teach, shephard, and lead the people. we are to be willing to be empowered to lead - not just be led.

so, here we are - people are hurt, angry, unhappy, and discontented. why? because we seem to be lacking motivation to really be the church -- we want our needs met -- we sit back every sunday and say "bless me, take care of me" - when what we should be doing is saying "train me, let me lead"

so, where do we go from here? -- i'm no one special and i'm not really smart - but i think it's time our leadership get off their butts and all the body to true repentence/confession/ and forgiveness.

it's time we, "together seek to disciple the saved and reach the lost in the community in which we live" - taken from the mission statement of Beaver Baptist Church.

that can only happen when we stop worrying about the little things, stop worrying about protocal - and start being real - authenicily living out our faith journey in fear and trembling with each other - in real community.

this will only happen when we stop getting filled and running over with facts and start pouring out God's love/truth/and message to those around us -- when we stop tip-toeing around the pastor and his wife and start making our voices heard - not for the sake of pleasing ourselves or meeting our needs but for the main reason of seeing God's glory revealed in beaver baptist to a watching world all around brighton township.

just my thoughts and ramblings on the state of my church

my heart crys HOLY!

in case any are wondering -- my mom is out of the hospital. she is on many restrictions, but she promises she will do her best to follow them.

as we were talking last night, my mom revealed something that i believe God kept from me to protect me. she said her doctor informed her that her stomach looked like a bomb had exploded in her - that's how much a mess her stomach was. that if she would have waited until thurs. to recieve help, she would have either been too bled out to save or her stomach would have been removed; emergency surgery.

neither option sounded good - but praise be to our God who is ever present and always protecting, providing, and sustaining because He has done great things -- and I am filled with joy!

He knew i was on the edge emotionally as it was -- so He lovingly shielded me from that which would have harmed me - instead He allowed me to question, He allowed me to cry out, He allowed me to walk with His strengh - but most of all, He allowed/provided the means and way/invited me to walk by faith - not of my own power - but only by and throug His.

my heart was guarded with His peace and love, my steps were ordered in His sight, my God didn't leave me -- as jermey camp stated, "Jesus, you have carried me" - that's what He did!

and for all He did and didn't allow I say Thank you - my God and My King! You are Holy, Worthy, Powerful, Just, Mighty -- You are I AM and I will be your daughter!

francie

. . . and the guilty shall pay

after several days of being out of touch with my work at the mission and drowing in campus ministry issues, i'm sitting here in my office reading the local paper trying to get caught up on several days of reading.

Headline: "Felasco gets one to seven years" -- just the first word caught my attention and i read the story - for the entire 4 years i've worked here at the mission there has been this drama in county government. the county treasurer decided to pocket over $47,000,000 in tax payer tax payments over the course of several years - it was brought to light alone with many other things two years ago. it has taken two years for the state to try him - yet all the while he remained in his county elected position and getting paid for it but not showing up to work. the state refused to remove him until the trail was over and he was either found innocent or guilty. well. . . early part of the summer he was found guilty on all charges as well as he was tried on several other theft charges from one other group he was involved him - thus, the headline -- the decision on this trail came down today.

as i sit here thinking how finally justice has been done - mr. felasco got what he deserved - i can't help but hurt for his daughter -- she didn't ask for any of this. since this all came out, one of our staff memebers has shared that his family has recieved much grief from the public - at times even down right nasty to his family. not only has she lost her stable home - felasco and his wife divorced, but she is now losing her daddy - even if he is a jerk - he's still her dad - and she is just a little girl - this has to be hard.

my prayer is that the church this little girl attends, which is also attended by one of our mission staff members, would help her see that her abba father will never let her down - He will never leave her - He will carry her. if there's anytime the body needs to function properly; it's now!

God use her church to reach this broken family for Your Glory!