things are not what they seem--yet sometimes they are

i'm home at my parent's place spending some time encouraging my mom. she is having eye trouble - she can't see too well at all. we go to a store last night and on our way home. . . bam. . . i'm hit with what i've suspected for awhile.

life as i've known it is not what it seems

after talking with my mom, i found myself being perpelled backward in time to my senior year -- my life was falling apart around me - and i was too young to stand up for anything.

but this time -- i'm not 18 - i'm 31 and an adult -- i can't make decisions for my mom but i can stand up for what i believe in and now i have a say -- fear and intimatation don't have ahold of me any longer.

but what do i do?

i can say what's on my mind and hurt folks i love - i can stay quiet and be eaten up inside with what i'm seemly powerless to do, i can be defensive or reactionary and blow up; protecting what's mine and keeping those close to me from getting hurt or i can seek other's to pray - i can pray - and i can trust in God with all my heart - i will depend on Him and will not lean on my own understanding.

why is it that i know that latter is what i need to do - what's best - but it's not the first thing nor is it the easiest thing to do?

for years i've struggled with family relationships -- it hasn't always been healthy - the need and responsilbity i have to fix things - to make things all better - to not allow my mom to be hurt or suffer pain - has been a weight on my shoulders -- i have unsuccessfully walked the balance of co-dependenicy with my mom - all the while resenting and at times hating my dad.

i have been the judge and juror -- that's wrong -- a long time ago God showed me that i needed to place this dysfuncational family in His hands and trust Him -- i have until now -- don't get me wrong - i still and do trust Him - but i want to make the crap go away -- i want to speak the truth - and not in love - i want to make things right where i see injustice -- but that's not my role.

so again, what do i do?

i have a choice - either i can be in control and allow my words and temper to tear down and cause more pain or i can ask God to take captive every thought, word, and deed to the obedience of His son.


so if you are reading this -- please go to God on my behalf - cuz frankly - i'm not sure nor do i have the right motative to pray in this matter.

francie