my surreal life

so i ventured to uncle phil's general store at 7pm to get gas and to visit a friend - i return home at 10pm to an empty house and a note -- my mom was taken to a local er - she had been sick all day

now let me bring us all up to speed - the day has been, how shall i say. . . rough -- my dad's being the jerk i remember from my youth - getting mad at the dumbest things and then acting like a baby - slamming things and taking off in a huff. needless to say. .. he hasn't talked to me all day - my mom spent the day fretting over his anger - i swear - i don't know who's worse -- him for being an ass or her for allowing herself to be walked on and a victem.

but nevertheless - i spent the day back in time - remember how crappy it was to live under the same roof as my dad - remembering the countless temper tantums he would throw when he didn't get his way - remember how intimating he was to my mom and at times to me - remembering how much i hated him at one time.

oh how i feel like i'm back in high school - but this time i'm older - this time i'm stronger - not because of me - but because of my true Father - my Abba. ya know you can't pick your parents - and really i love mine - i just hate how screwed up i am because of how screwed up they are - i hate knowing that my mom gets the old guilt trip layed on her because my dad is and always has been jelous of me - i hate that my dad uses my mom and sees her as a possession - i hate that she let's him - i hate that when i'm here i know i can rip him a new one and not think twice - i hate that my anger is always there - i hate that when i look at him - i want to smack him and tell him how much he sucks and how much he's hurt us over the years - i hate feeling like this - but mostly - i hate myself for being angry.

he can't hurt me any more nor can he control me -- but he's hurting my mom - and that pisses me off -- she's not strong enough to stand on her own - she's not strong enough to fight back - yet, if i fight back - i'm going to unload 20 plus years of hurt and that's not fair to him - esp. after i've given it to God - he has forgotten - why can't i?

now that i've exposed one of my biggest struggles and dark sides - let me share why i'm only reacting with words and not in deeds.

it's because he doesn't control me anyone -- i'm spoken for - as mercyme says -- my heart, mind, soul, and being is surrendered to my Savior -- it's not my right or place to hurt him as he has hurt me and thoses i love -- the psalms are filled with david's lament and frustation over his enemies -- but did he go out and bomb them? -

NO

he cried out to his Lord -- Psm. 121 -- i look to the heavens, where does my help come from - the maker of heaven and earth - my paraphrase.

i can't look to me for answers or to fix this or even to bring peace/healing -- i must look up - to the maker of heaven and earth - He is my just King -- He will deliever - He will heal - my role is to love not hate

so - i must take lesson from david and stand on His promises -- praise Him and celebrate - He has won my battle - and He loves my dad more than I resent him right now - God's grace is sufficant for my dad -- just as it's sufficant enough for me!

it's going to be long night - sorrow is for a moment - but joy comes in the morning!