two years. . . that's how long it's been since i've been to my doctor's office. that's what the receptionist told me last week when i broke down and called make an appointment. it's not a good thing when your doctor's office can't find you in their system. but after giving my DOB i was found. and much to my surprise, my local family doctor is not really local any more - instead of being downtown beaver falls - which is just a hop, skip, and a jump away -- it's now in the booming area of chippewa - which really isn't too much further away but not as close either.
what would cause me to break this trend i had started. . . being sick for a week. what i thought was just a cold seemed to be a bit more -- so i did it - went to the doctor and yes, it was more -- a sinus infection - fun for me!
but before i found out i had a sinus infection, my doctor - who was a new PA in the practice - was listening to my chest and the most puzzled look came over his face -- he stopped, stared at me, listened again and then preceeded with. . . "um, do you know. . ." it was at that time that i rememeber my heart condition and decided to let him in on the news. being relieved, he said he had never heard a heart mummer as loud as mine -- of course not! that's been my trademark for years -- God has given me this wonderful thing called a VSD - Ventricular Septedal Defect -- i have a hole in the left ventrical of my heart -- but to be a bit simplified - -a heart mummer - but mine is a bit more complicated than a heart mummer -- i've lived with this for 30 years and never had a trouble. it's rather unusual though - -most heart mummers, i'm told, get less and less noticable and not as loud as you get older or with medical correction. neither has happened in my case -- no medical corrections and no lessing of the loundness - but it is getting smaller!
all my life i've been the odd ball at doctor's offices -- i've been the one that has the parade of student doctor's coming in and listening to my heart - i always hated it -- i felt like a lab rat -- but it's become so much a part of me that i never think of it - until time like that when someone new is examining me - but over all after a week of meds. i'm feeling almost better. i've not slept so much in all my life.
on another note. . . my sickness caused more than my desire to sleep. . . it caused stupidity! i took my final on monday - after having it post-poned due to being sick -- i had to call dr. payne's office and find out how to get the final - it was labled inactive on ecampus -- so his assistant emailed it to me -- i finished it - took my 10 page paper, my reading reports, my evangelism reports, and my final to the post-office and mailed them, what i thought was priority mail to southern - thinking they would get it in a day or two. oh was i wrong!
tuesday - i walk out of my house at 2:30pm to go to my doctor's appointment - now mind you, i hadn't been out all day - i pick up my mail on my way to my car -- sit in my car to look it at - and notice i have a priority mail envolope -- i wonder who this could be from . . . i looka t the address and realize. . . I MAILED MY FINAL AND STUFF TO MY SELF! so, on my way to my doctor's office - i call dr. payne leave him a message and explain what happened. i come out of my doctor's appointment to have a message -- dr. payne's assistant is laughing - telling me that it was okay - he understands i've been sick to mail it tomorrow. can i say not a good thing - but second time was it -- i labeled everything okay and to my knoweldge my final and all my assignments are being graded as i type.
okay - i need to go and make an appoinment to get a windshield for my car -- $155 in boardman, oh - the cheapest ever!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
cars, colds, and crap
so it's friday -- where did my week go?. . . what started out as a a calm week of christmas decorating and finals has ended with my car being worked on twice, me in bed with a bad cold, and a pushed back final - thank you dr. payne!
but. . . through it all. . . it's been a good God week! -- i was able to connect with a good prospect for a volunteer in the men's depart. not to mention had my brain challenged with appling the things i've learned in my class to my church and my context here in Pa. if i had to pin-point one thing i will take away from this class. . . it is what my defination and thoughts are in regard to church - what it is and how it grows. -- i've always considered myself to be an out of the box thinker. . . however, the issues and topics we've discussed in the class has really caused me to admit that underneath all of my fluff -- i'm really a traditional modeled person at heart.
yes, i've always seen the church not just the building but the people -- however, to think of church planting and church growth in terms of the laity leading over having a trained pastorate -- that's been hard to grasp - i understand it but it's been hard to wrap myself around. and in terms of church growth. . . to see that real growth occurs in conjunction with sunday school -- that too has been hard for me to admit. . . due to my own church's experience with traditional sunday school, i've sort of writen it off -- i didn't see how it could work or for that matter how revelant it was to today's context of church -- but after reading and studying some of thom rainer's stuff. . . sunday school is the best assimilation method to get church growth.
so my question is. . . why doesn't it work for some churches and why does it for others?
yesterday has joe was taking me home to sleep, since my car was in the shop, we talked about the mission, our roles in ministry, and many other things - but the thing hit me that i verbalized finally was how uncertain things are for me right now -- i thought i had my road mapped out - but that's all changed -- yet. . . i know God will and wants to use me -- not sure in what specific way yet. . . but that's what this season is for. . . to be trained - to press more into Him - to study to show myself approved! the 45 minute phone conversation i had with a girl i met at an event i spoke at recently affirmed my call to counseling -- here it is. . . she called from eastliverpool, oh to just seek my advice.
through it all. . . praise God -
He's still work'n on me to make me what I ought to me. it took just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, cause he's still work'n on me!
but. . . through it all. . . it's been a good God week! -- i was able to connect with a good prospect for a volunteer in the men's depart. not to mention had my brain challenged with appling the things i've learned in my class to my church and my context here in Pa. if i had to pin-point one thing i will take away from this class. . . it is what my defination and thoughts are in regard to church - what it is and how it grows. -- i've always considered myself to be an out of the box thinker. . . however, the issues and topics we've discussed in the class has really caused me to admit that underneath all of my fluff -- i'm really a traditional modeled person at heart.
yes, i've always seen the church not just the building but the people -- however, to think of church planting and church growth in terms of the laity leading over having a trained pastorate -- that's been hard to grasp - i understand it but it's been hard to wrap myself around. and in terms of church growth. . . to see that real growth occurs in conjunction with sunday school -- that too has been hard for me to admit. . . due to my own church's experience with traditional sunday school, i've sort of writen it off -- i didn't see how it could work or for that matter how revelant it was to today's context of church -- but after reading and studying some of thom rainer's stuff. . . sunday school is the best assimilation method to get church growth.
so my question is. . . why doesn't it work for some churches and why does it for others?
yesterday has joe was taking me home to sleep, since my car was in the shop, we talked about the mission, our roles in ministry, and many other things - but the thing hit me that i verbalized finally was how uncertain things are for me right now -- i thought i had my road mapped out - but that's all changed -- yet. . . i know God will and wants to use me -- not sure in what specific way yet. . . but that's what this season is for. . . to be trained - to press more into Him - to study to show myself approved! the 45 minute phone conversation i had with a girl i met at an event i spoke at recently affirmed my call to counseling -- here it is. . . she called from eastliverpool, oh to just seek my advice.
through it all. . . praise God -
He's still work'n on me to make me what I ought to me. it took just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and earth and jupiter and mars. how loving and patient he must be, cause he's still work'n on me!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
okay - i must praise -- despite satan throwing crap at me -- I saw God do something sink'n cool this week - answer prayer!!!
so when i was at the couple's house who corrdinates the assembly of baskets on wednesday i had the privilage of laying hands on the husband and praying for healing from fluid on the brain -- he was to go today to see a specialist about medical procedors to take the fluid off the brain -- i was one of many praying for duane's healing. . . well . . . we got it! today i was told that it's very correctable without surgery - and there's not much to correct anyway!!
i'm greatful that God allows me to see Him work in great ways such as this! may this healing draw not only this family - but the doctor's, nurses, and others duane meets closer to God!
so when i was at the couple's house who corrdinates the assembly of baskets on wednesday i had the privilage of laying hands on the husband and praying for healing from fluid on the brain -- he was to go today to see a specialist about medical procedors to take the fluid off the brain -- i was one of many praying for duane's healing. . . well . . . we got it! today i was told that it's very correctable without surgery - and there's not much to correct anyway!!
i'm greatful that God allows me to see Him work in great ways such as this! may this healing draw not only this family - but the doctor's, nurses, and others duane meets closer to God!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
okay, it's 3am and i can't sleep -- so what does one do when she can't sleep. . . post. . . that's right!
so here are a few random thoughts -- yesterday - was able to encourage a family that encourages me alot -- a fun call to the slovan's to see if ms. vickie is my new co-worker at the mission ended in me getting off the phone and on my way to cosco praying that elizbeth's car would be returned - after getting my much needed bags for the potatoes for thanksgiving baskets, i ran to the only no a supercenter yet walmart in the entire region - i was able to find fun congrats gifts for vickie -- she's now a member of the mission family --
i get back to beaver county not thinking they will be home after all it's tuesday - community bible study night - my thought was to leave the bag by the door - but they were home after all. so, i was able to hang with the slovan's, entire dinner, and just love on them for a change of pace -- as i drove home, i was humbled once again at the blessings God showers me with -- what an privilage to pour out God's love to that family!
and then today -- thanksgiving basket hell has offically started - but it's not really hell this year -- it's exciting -- not many pick-up's today and not many tomorrow - and with almost 300 baskets to pack - i'm found myself getting a fit stressed today - wondering how it's all going to work. . . but what's my problem? why do i worry? this is my 5 year basket year - do i really think God's going to let this fail?. . . heck no! i may not know where all the food's coming from. . . BUT He does!! so, i look forward to friday night and saturday to see just how my God supplies my needs!
as i visited iwith dee and duane today - i realized something else -- every year this happens. . . satan tries so hard to throw us off track -- he throws all kinds of crap at us because he knows God's word will go forth through this project. i love this couple -- they are real -- they struggle but they desire to be refined -- and their heart's are to serve!
and yesterday. . . of all the times i've passed alron on my way to and from the mission - God had me stop yesterday -- visiting with pete was refreshing! he's got vision - he's got passion - and he's just so much like a big brother! i love talking to him, it's like he's the male me - he understands networking and thrives with it - it's pete who connected me to onevoice - and i've been blessed!
okay - i've rambled alot - but one last thought - i've so enjoyed re-connecting with my 8:15am date with proclaim! it may be only 15 minutes - but dr. micheal esily - not sure how to spell his name - is prowerful -- i love his teaching. if he would have been the chapel speaker at geneva when i was a student, i would have gone every week -- i forgot just how much i missed my time with God in my car in the morning - the drive to new castle doesn't seem as crappy -- i just wish i could get wcrf all over beaver county -- word isn't the same as mark and the morning team.
alright, i need to force myself to sleep - it's going to be along and tiring day - so much to do and only 8 hours to do it in.
so here are a few random thoughts -- yesterday - was able to encourage a family that encourages me alot -- a fun call to the slovan's to see if ms. vickie is my new co-worker at the mission ended in me getting off the phone and on my way to cosco praying that elizbeth's car would be returned - after getting my much needed bags for the potatoes for thanksgiving baskets, i ran to the only no a supercenter yet walmart in the entire region - i was able to find fun congrats gifts for vickie -- she's now a member of the mission family --
i get back to beaver county not thinking they will be home after all it's tuesday - community bible study night - my thought was to leave the bag by the door - but they were home after all. so, i was able to hang with the slovan's, entire dinner, and just love on them for a change of pace -- as i drove home, i was humbled once again at the blessings God showers me with -- what an privilage to pour out God's love to that family!
and then today -- thanksgiving basket hell has offically started - but it's not really hell this year -- it's exciting -- not many pick-up's today and not many tomorrow - and with almost 300 baskets to pack - i'm found myself getting a fit stressed today - wondering how it's all going to work. . . but what's my problem? why do i worry? this is my 5 year basket year - do i really think God's going to let this fail?. . . heck no! i may not know where all the food's coming from. . . BUT He does!! so, i look forward to friday night and saturday to see just how my God supplies my needs!
as i visited iwith dee and duane today - i realized something else -- every year this happens. . . satan tries so hard to throw us off track -- he throws all kinds of crap at us because he knows God's word will go forth through this project. i love this couple -- they are real -- they struggle but they desire to be refined -- and their heart's are to serve!
and yesterday. . . of all the times i've passed alron on my way to and from the mission - God had me stop yesterday -- visiting with pete was refreshing! he's got vision - he's got passion - and he's just so much like a big brother! i love talking to him, it's like he's the male me - he understands networking and thrives with it - it's pete who connected me to onevoice - and i've been blessed!
okay - i've rambled alot - but one last thought - i've so enjoyed re-connecting with my 8:15am date with proclaim! it may be only 15 minutes - but dr. micheal esily - not sure how to spell his name - is prowerful -- i love his teaching. if he would have been the chapel speaker at geneva when i was a student, i would have gone every week -- i forgot just how much i missed my time with God in my car in the morning - the drive to new castle doesn't seem as crappy -- i just wish i could get wcrf all over beaver county -- word isn't the same as mark and the morning team.
alright, i need to force myself to sleep - it's going to be along and tiring day - so much to do and only 8 hours to do it in.
Monday, November 13, 2006
good try guys!
so my trip home was full of rain, cold, and cheap gas. but no victory party for the vikings.
with almost 2 inches of rain on the field, two teams both sporting blue and gold were ready to rumble saturday night - however, glendale was rumbling all over the ground. on the opening kick off, bellwood fumbled the ball which glendale recovered, but the ref's didn't call it - so, that began what was to be a long night of bellwood running up and down the field scoring and stopping us -- with the end scoring being 32-0 -- but you know ya have to give the boys from glendale credit -- they played their hearts out - they even blocked an extra point kick.
we got the game a bit early - trying to connect up with one of my friends - it was raining pretty heavy - but that didn't stop the faithful from the mountain -- glendale folks came out like nobody's busniess -- despite the rain the people came and stayed. it was pretty fun to be cheering along side folks i went to school with - by the end, my mom and i were soaked - and i mean soaked! my poor glasses - i kept having to wipe them off with my fingers -- i really needed windshield wipers on them -- i shoes are still wet!
despite the loss - the boys in blue and gold having alot to be proud of. . . they are the first glendale team to ever get that far in the playoffs - so way to go!
on a side note -- both glendale and bellwood's colors are blue and gold -- we are the vikings and they are the blue devils -- so, it was a bit hard to see which team was doing what, esp. since bellwood was sporting the blue jersey with the gold trim that glendale used to use when i was in school -- but we managed to spot them
better luck next year glendale!
with almost 2 inches of rain on the field, two teams both sporting blue and gold were ready to rumble saturday night - however, glendale was rumbling all over the ground. on the opening kick off, bellwood fumbled the ball which glendale recovered, but the ref's didn't call it - so, that began what was to be a long night of bellwood running up and down the field scoring and stopping us -- with the end scoring being 32-0 -- but you know ya have to give the boys from glendale credit -- they played their hearts out - they even blocked an extra point kick.
we got the game a bit early - trying to connect up with one of my friends - it was raining pretty heavy - but that didn't stop the faithful from the mountain -- glendale folks came out like nobody's busniess -- despite the rain the people came and stayed. it was pretty fun to be cheering along side folks i went to school with - by the end, my mom and i were soaked - and i mean soaked! my poor glasses - i kept having to wipe them off with my fingers -- i really needed windshield wipers on them -- i shoes are still wet!
despite the loss - the boys in blue and gold having alot to be proud of. . . they are the first glendale team to ever get that far in the playoffs - so way to go!
on a side note -- both glendale and bellwood's colors are blue and gold -- we are the vikings and they are the blue devils -- so, it was a bit hard to see which team was doing what, esp. since bellwood was sporting the blue jersey with the gold trim that glendale used to use when i was in school -- but we managed to spot them
better luck next year glendale!
Saturday, November 11, 2006
football in the rain
so i'm on my way home after i find a side view mirror from new castle auto parts - but i'm on my way home to willingly sit in the rain outside in the cold. . . why you may ask. . . well. . . it's because my high school football team will be traveling 15 from my parent's house to the home of the bellwood blue devils to try and continue their quest for a state championship run!!! a last minute fill in at krispy kreme is allowing me this chance to bask in school spirit -- thanks kendra!
but as i looked at the new team photo and action pics. from the school's website, i realized several of those jr. and sr.'s i baby sat when i was a junior and senior -- man do i feel old! take for example, mike hommer -- it's hard to believe that that little fireball of a redhead is now almost 6ft and a hardnose linebacker. i still think of him as little mickey who i convienced if he continued to pick his nose his bird was going to fall off - and my pastor's wife - which was his grandmother - thought that was the funniest thing ever! oh those were the days.
and little kevin glass -- he was such a quite kid - but now to think he's 335 pounds of defensive lineman - stink -- who would have thought?!
but i'm going to enjoy this night - me, my mom, my friends terri and tammy and fond memories of my high school days.
here's pic. for your viewing pleasure - ladies and gentlemen. . . here are our glendale vikings!
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
turning of a page
to everything there is a season under heaven and earth. . .
and that season is called change. . . sunday we had a special meeting after church to discuss the future of beaver -- in my 12 years of attending this church we've had special meetings like this before. . . we've had special brain storming and vision casting meetings as well as special "oh crap" what's next meetings . . . but this one was different.
what was presented you could tell was prayed over and well thought out and it makes sense both realistically and in taking steps to stretch us for growth.
i'm seeing the dots being connected more and more -- with the cuts being made, what's next is becoming clearier -- the resources i have can now go towards other areas -- and with the idea of office space for the mission in beaver county. . . that's exciting!
i'm looking forward to what is ahead - the potential is great - God's preparing us for the next page.
and that season is called change. . . sunday we had a special meeting after church to discuss the future of beaver -- in my 12 years of attending this church we've had special meetings like this before. . . we've had special brain storming and vision casting meetings as well as special "oh crap" what's next meetings . . . but this one was different.
what was presented you could tell was prayed over and well thought out and it makes sense both realistically and in taking steps to stretch us for growth.
i'm seeing the dots being connected more and more -- with the cuts being made, what's next is becoming clearier -- the resources i have can now go towards other areas -- and with the idea of office space for the mission in beaver county. . . that's exciting!
i'm looking forward to what is ahead - the potential is great - God's preparing us for the next page.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
it's offical. . . glendale is on their way to a real playoff state champ run! i've been trying to confirm all day the outcome of the glendale/northern bedford game -- but found out it was today and they beat con. valley - so, it's on to bellwood antis this coming friday night -- this may warrent a trip home to attend my first highschool football game since i was in college - way to go vikings!!!
man what a week of sharing the gospel!!!
i walk into krispy kreme today to get a few dozen dounuts for my friend dee's daughter's birthday sleepover -- what started as just a quick in and out trip turned into another God moment!
i was approached by two of the processors who i've gotten to know a bit over the past 6 months about demonic things - this conversation went way beyond that -- clayton asked me why there are many other religions and how we can know God is the real God -- well. . . that lead to me again topping dounuts and boxing off the line on my own time in order to just talk with clayton and char. i got to share it's more about Jesus than God -- i shared all about Jesus and who he is and the historical accounts of him in the roman history banks as well as various scriptures -- he began to share with me how a few years back he was "all into God" i asked what happened -- he never did really tell me -- but he just kept asking me questions -- i hope to try and work with them in the future or just stop in again and chat -- again, it was a day of living ministry and not just doing ministry -- i went to the birthday party all pumped up sharing about what had happened -- my deacon and his wife prayed with me -- what fun God is allowing me to have in seeing him open the eyes of the blind -- and on another note -- sengal is looking like it may happen in jan. -- God keeps reminding me of the pull on my heart each time i look up from my computer and see bill and deb's prayer card -- thank you God for opening doors!
francie
i walk into krispy kreme today to get a few dozen dounuts for my friend dee's daughter's birthday sleepover -- what started as just a quick in and out trip turned into another God moment!
i was approached by two of the processors who i've gotten to know a bit over the past 6 months about demonic things - this conversation went way beyond that -- clayton asked me why there are many other religions and how we can know God is the real God -- well. . . that lead to me again topping dounuts and boxing off the line on my own time in order to just talk with clayton and char. i got to share it's more about Jesus than God -- i shared all about Jesus and who he is and the historical accounts of him in the roman history banks as well as various scriptures -- he began to share with me how a few years back he was "all into God" i asked what happened -- he never did really tell me -- but he just kept asking me questions -- i hope to try and work with them in the future or just stop in again and chat -- again, it was a day of living ministry and not just doing ministry -- i went to the birthday party all pumped up sharing about what had happened -- my deacon and his wife prayed with me -- what fun God is allowing me to have in seeing him open the eyes of the blind -- and on another note -- sengal is looking like it may happen in jan. -- God keeps reminding me of the pull on my heart each time i look up from my computer and see bill and deb's prayer card -- thank you God for opening doors!
francie
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
God rocks! He desires to all things for His glory and our good!
so i was to meet a friend from college for dinner last night and to just caught up -- we live so close to each other - but we never see each other. after the time of fellowship, i ventured to krispy kreme to check my schedule for the week -- through sharing what was going on with me -- as i shared, one of the girls working began to ask alot of questions -- we talked and wow. . . what followed was most definently a God moment which I took. as i shared my struggles over the past week, she too began to share not just about her week, but about her life -- and with in minutes standing by the processing area she unloaded a year's worth of pain -- everything from rape to family problems related to her dad -- man, the whole time i was praying for God to give me the words -- and He did! i will not go in to details on our conversation -- but this i will share. . . the gospel was proclaimed! i was able to share why i wasn't mad or angry and why i was dealing with things as i was -- my answer: Christ in me, Jesus, the Hope of Glory! as i shared i found out her background -- she comes from a catholic background and her uncle is actually a preist. she has an understanding but lacks true understanding -- we moved from the processing area to the line where i helped to box dounuts and continue to talk with her -- what freedom i felt to share openly my faith in a non-Christian place -- it was exciting! and it didn't stop with her -- i was able to share with several of the folks last night -- i wasn't able to go into as much detail, but i was able to drop bits of the gospel through my testimony of the recent events of my life -- man, how refreshing to be really living ministry and not just doing.
if my whole reason for being at krispy kreme is to share with those folks -- it's worth letting go and moving on!
to God be the glory, great things he hath done!
so i was to meet a friend from college for dinner last night and to just caught up -- we live so close to each other - but we never see each other. after the time of fellowship, i ventured to krispy kreme to check my schedule for the week -- through sharing what was going on with me -- as i shared, one of the girls working began to ask alot of questions -- we talked and wow. . . what followed was most definently a God moment which I took. as i shared my struggles over the past week, she too began to share not just about her week, but about her life -- and with in minutes standing by the processing area she unloaded a year's worth of pain -- everything from rape to family problems related to her dad -- man, the whole time i was praying for God to give me the words -- and He did! i will not go in to details on our conversation -- but this i will share. . . the gospel was proclaimed! i was able to share why i wasn't mad or angry and why i was dealing with things as i was -- my answer: Christ in me, Jesus, the Hope of Glory! as i shared i found out her background -- she comes from a catholic background and her uncle is actually a preist. she has an understanding but lacks true understanding -- we moved from the processing area to the line where i helped to box dounuts and continue to talk with her -- what freedom i felt to share openly my faith in a non-Christian place -- it was exciting! and it didn't stop with her -- i was able to share with several of the folks last night -- i wasn't able to go into as much detail, but i was able to drop bits of the gospel through my testimony of the recent events of my life -- man, how refreshing to be really living ministry and not just doing.
if my whole reason for being at krispy kreme is to share with those folks -- it's worth letting go and moving on!
to God be the glory, great things he hath done!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
standing on the promises
so i had to work tonight at the mission - had a group come in to help with dinner - i decided to stay for chapel - one of the songs we sang tonight was standing on the promises. . .i've not been doing that as of late.
the frame-work of what i've believed has been shaken. i've questioned everything from my forgiveness to my worthiness to my salvation. a wise person in my life reminded me that's what satan wants . . . he wants my focus to be on me and not fixed on the author and finisher of my faith. maybe i am in denial as someone recently expressed to me. . . but if i am. . . i'm doing a good job. . . as i've read through my journals for the past few years, i've noticed a pattern and theme. . . when i accepted the forgiveness given to me years back, i walked and lived in freedom - a newiness of spirit and heart. i saw a passion to know God so much more than i had prior. my hunger to read and know His Word was and is incrediable. i never get tired of eating and chewing the Word. i saw a spiritual disernment like i never had prior. but more importantly. . . i had joy!
because i can be somewhat vage in my postings - i can see where i've given the impression that i'm "crying out for help" - that's true to a point. . . in letting go of the control and passing off the power of my roles so to speak. i realized something, if i were going to loss it - it would have been in aug. in my mom's life hung in the balance of death and my family junk came smacking me in the face. but i didn't - even though i posted i wanted to run. . . i did. . . i ran to my Father in the form of seeking those prayer warriors who could help carry my burden - i realized i couldn't handle things on my own - so i didn't even try - asked God's people to interceed for me cuz i couldn't pray for myself. my spirit controlled me not my flesh.
have i done a good job of letting the spirit control me since then - i would be lying if i said yes - but my heart desires to submit and surrender - that's my struggle to daily let God have more and more of me. i have made many mistakes and poor choices in my walk - but one thing i've never doubted was God's hand in my life -- i've walked away and did my own thing - i've played the fence hopping game - i've wore many masks all in the name of looking good. and i've tried to be transparent in the name of being in community. i was reminded today by my pastor that there are some instances where community is only ment for your local body -- maybe that was my problem. i tried to seek community where it didn't really belong - work is work and family is family - maybe they need to be left in those boxes.
i have felt God's presence and i've heard him physically speak to me. . . on the flip side, when i've been a prodical. . . . and i knew it -- God's spirit caused unrest and a block in my time with Him in anyway shape or form. i've felt the stirring of un-easiness when i've not right with God and i try to worship in any way - some times it actually hurts. but i feel i have also experienced at various times God's restoration -- those times when i've come running and fell down and said i'm sorry or thank you or not say anything but be quite and still. i've experienced an overwhelming sense of humblness, graditude, and love when i'm forgiven or walking in the spirit.
i've known what it's been like to resist God's correction and i've known what's it's like to feel His arms of comfort in the middle of the storm - at no time have i've been so far away that i didn't think God could pull me back. . . cuz God never gives up on me - man may but God doesn't.
this weekend i've had to wrestle with my motives, my desires, my flesh. . . and again after reading my journals i see a pattern -- i was holding on to something because in a small - yet deadly way it had become an idol to me - this break through came through listening to a kid's radio show called "Down Gilead Lane" - how much am i willing to give up inorder to serve God to walk in obedience? my answer: even this. in a weird way i don't see this closing door as a grieving thing -- i can now seek thing that i've not had time for --
yes, i may have been wrong in how i handled things 4 years ago or even since -- but would change them. . . i would lying if i said 100% no - i wouldn't have gone to the extremes i did . . . yet these events have helped to shape my tenderness towards God in so many -- sometimes you can't understand Grace fully until you've lived it fully. many times in the quiteness of my apartment or my shower or my car when it's just me and God either in large group setting or when i'm alone - i feel like the women who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and wipe them with her hair -- he responded to the critisim with - she has been forgiven much so she loves much - my paraphrase.
i guess i just need to rethink my idea of church and being real with those in my life -- i don't habor any ill will -- i just think we are seeing the same situation through different, shaded lenses. i wasn't confessing because of getting caught or because i hadn't allowed God to deal with me first or because I wasn't dealing with it period. . . in my mind i was just sharing more of who i was and what has shaped me.
my prayer is that i can and will be humble, teachable, and willing to take the critisism even at the risk of my own feelings -- i don't need to defend myself -- God is my defender -- He knows my heart -- so i will end this post with the same way i started it -- i'm seeking to stand on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let His praises ring. . . if God is for me, who can be against me? ICorn. 10:13
the frame-work of what i've believed has been shaken. i've questioned everything from my forgiveness to my worthiness to my salvation. a wise person in my life reminded me that's what satan wants . . . he wants my focus to be on me and not fixed on the author and finisher of my faith. maybe i am in denial as someone recently expressed to me. . . but if i am. . . i'm doing a good job. . . as i've read through my journals for the past few years, i've noticed a pattern and theme. . . when i accepted the forgiveness given to me years back, i walked and lived in freedom - a newiness of spirit and heart. i saw a passion to know God so much more than i had prior. my hunger to read and know His Word was and is incrediable. i never get tired of eating and chewing the Word. i saw a spiritual disernment like i never had prior. but more importantly. . . i had joy!
because i can be somewhat vage in my postings - i can see where i've given the impression that i'm "crying out for help" - that's true to a point. . . in letting go of the control and passing off the power of my roles so to speak. i realized something, if i were going to loss it - it would have been in aug. in my mom's life hung in the balance of death and my family junk came smacking me in the face. but i didn't - even though i posted i wanted to run. . . i did. . . i ran to my Father in the form of seeking those prayer warriors who could help carry my burden - i realized i couldn't handle things on my own - so i didn't even try - asked God's people to interceed for me cuz i couldn't pray for myself. my spirit controlled me not my flesh.
have i done a good job of letting the spirit control me since then - i would be lying if i said yes - but my heart desires to submit and surrender - that's my struggle to daily let God have more and more of me. i have made many mistakes and poor choices in my walk - but one thing i've never doubted was God's hand in my life -- i've walked away and did my own thing - i've played the fence hopping game - i've wore many masks all in the name of looking good. and i've tried to be transparent in the name of being in community. i was reminded today by my pastor that there are some instances where community is only ment for your local body -- maybe that was my problem. i tried to seek community where it didn't really belong - work is work and family is family - maybe they need to be left in those boxes.
i have felt God's presence and i've heard him physically speak to me. . . on the flip side, when i've been a prodical. . . . and i knew it -- God's spirit caused unrest and a block in my time with Him in anyway shape or form. i've felt the stirring of un-easiness when i've not right with God and i try to worship in any way - some times it actually hurts. but i feel i have also experienced at various times God's restoration -- those times when i've come running and fell down and said i'm sorry or thank you or not say anything but be quite and still. i've experienced an overwhelming sense of humblness, graditude, and love when i'm forgiven or walking in the spirit.
i've known what it's been like to resist God's correction and i've known what's it's like to feel His arms of comfort in the middle of the storm - at no time have i've been so far away that i didn't think God could pull me back. . . cuz God never gives up on me - man may but God doesn't.
this weekend i've had to wrestle with my motives, my desires, my flesh. . . and again after reading my journals i see a pattern -- i was holding on to something because in a small - yet deadly way it had become an idol to me - this break through came through listening to a kid's radio show called "Down Gilead Lane" - how much am i willing to give up inorder to serve God to walk in obedience? my answer: even this. in a weird way i don't see this closing door as a grieving thing -- i can now seek thing that i've not had time for --
yes, i may have been wrong in how i handled things 4 years ago or even since -- but would change them. . . i would lying if i said 100% no - i wouldn't have gone to the extremes i did . . . yet these events have helped to shape my tenderness towards God in so many -- sometimes you can't understand Grace fully until you've lived it fully. many times in the quiteness of my apartment or my shower or my car when it's just me and God either in large group setting or when i'm alone - i feel like the women who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and wipe them with her hair -- he responded to the critisim with - she has been forgiven much so she loves much - my paraphrase.
i guess i just need to rethink my idea of church and being real with those in my life -- i don't habor any ill will -- i just think we are seeing the same situation through different, shaded lenses. i wasn't confessing because of getting caught or because i hadn't allowed God to deal with me first or because I wasn't dealing with it period. . . in my mind i was just sharing more of who i was and what has shaped me.
my prayer is that i can and will be humble, teachable, and willing to take the critisism even at the risk of my own feelings -- i don't need to defend myself -- God is my defender -- He knows my heart -- so i will end this post with the same way i started it -- i'm seeking to stand on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let His praises ring. . . if God is for me, who can be against me? ICorn. 10:13
i decide to check the local newpaper online from my home town and what do i see. . . Glendale's in the playoffs! for the first time in. . . well. . . i can't count that high - Glendale will be having a parade and pep rally - for the football team of all things! the last pep rally i've heard of at glendale was when i was in highschool and glendale's softball team went to states.
boy i want to go home and caught the viking spirit - but thanksgiving baskets call my name.
boy i want to go home and caught the viking spirit - but thanksgiving baskets call my name.
Friday, October 27, 2006
so i take some time out of my retreat with with God to attend a funeral -- who ever heard of a funeral at 7pm on a friday night? - well, this was a first for me -- we weren't thinking there was going to be a lunchon - but oh yes there was -- at 8pm we were serving almost a full course meal - i'm back at office, i let the desk know i'm here and head back to my side of the building -- i go outside to get my stuff and what do i see - for the first time since working at the mission. . . there is a man hanging out the passenger's side car door.
my first reaction -- what the crap?! - i pulled the guy out of my car and asked what he was doing in my car -- probably not the smartest thing to do - but it seemed natural. i recoginized his face - he's been here many time for meals and i could smell that he'd been drinking.
he was oh so apologizing all over the place -- i led him to the front desk door to see who he was and what the staff on duty knew about him -- i found out -- i was told it was my call on whether to call the police or not -- after talking to this guy for a bit, i realized just how blessed we are here. i'm here all hours day and night and at no time ever i felt in danger -- God's peace and protection rests on this place. it's interesting, by his own admission, he's never stayed here - we confirmed that - but he's a regular at meals - he says he's homeless yet he get's an income - oh the folks we serve -- praise God for His grace.
do i feel unsafe now ? no -- but i did make sure my car was locked before i came back in. he said he was looking for change - he wouldn't have found any -- clothes, thanksgiving basket stuff, books, and other things associated with my life -- but no change - only toll 60 sees my change - but wait - i can go ez-pass if i want - what i want is that 16 miles of road to be free just like the other 30-40 miles of it.
may my weekend be filled with the sights and sounds of my Savior.
my first reaction -- what the crap?! - i pulled the guy out of my car and asked what he was doing in my car -- probably not the smartest thing to do - but it seemed natural. i recoginized his face - he's been here many time for meals and i could smell that he'd been drinking.
he was oh so apologizing all over the place -- i led him to the front desk door to see who he was and what the staff on duty knew about him -- i found out -- i was told it was my call on whether to call the police or not -- after talking to this guy for a bit, i realized just how blessed we are here. i'm here all hours day and night and at no time ever i felt in danger -- God's peace and protection rests on this place. it's interesting, by his own admission, he's never stayed here - we confirmed that - but he's a regular at meals - he says he's homeless yet he get's an income - oh the folks we serve -- praise God for His grace.
do i feel unsafe now ? no -- but i did make sure my car was locked before i came back in. he said he was looking for change - he wouldn't have found any -- clothes, thanksgiving basket stuff, books, and other things associated with my life -- but no change - only toll 60 sees my change - but wait - i can go ez-pass if i want - what i want is that 16 miles of road to be free just like the other 30-40 miles of it.
may my weekend be filled with the sights and sounds of my Savior.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
i passed. . . the drug test that is. it's the only thing this week that i've done well on -- apparently kevin has decided that we all need current drug tests - or in my case - my first one since working for passvant -- so for one of the few time in my life, my big mouth was good thing - the mouth swob didn't even tickle -- i'm good to go - but not really
Thursday, October 19, 2006
human relationships are so complicated -- why? why is that the same thing God created us for is one of the hardest things to work through -- God created us to be in relationships of many kinds but why at times those same relationships the ones that seem the most impossible to navigate through. i can drive through crappy snow storms, rain that keeps coming and coming, i can work in a building that every time it rains the bathrooms are un-usable but human relationships are something that i want to run from right now.
assumptions made about me but no questions to me. . . what the crap -- i'm tired of having to justify myself to you -- when it's not you i need to be justified to - it's my Savior. i know you want what's best for me -- so do i and frankly - i'm more mature this time around -- i'm not a kid this time around -- i've learned from my mistakes.
and you over there -- you say i'm not being fair. . . i'm asking you to do something that you can't -- no, not can't don't want to. . now who's being fair? the same human relationships that keep telling me i need to let things go are the same human relationships adding to my plate - and no one is listening to me and what i'm being told by God -- i feel left to make the decisions on my own -- the support is not there -- no, that's not right -- the support is coming from the one human relationship i am not desiring to run from -- actually i ran to them -- they never tell me what i want to hear - they lead me to the Word - they love on me and tell me i'm okay.
i want to run - i don't need this -- i didn't agree to this -- but God deserves my best not my almost best -- and running would be disobedient - yet no matter what i do i'm still walking in partial obedience - which according to c. stanely in the book confronting caual christianity - is still disobedience. i can't and will not step through doors that are not mine anymore -- yet i can't just run away - i need to be a steward of that which God has given me - yet the options are not good in either directions.
it has taken me such a long time to admit and ask for help - but now. . . when i'm yelling. . . no one is listening. . . again, the same human relationships that have yelled at me for years is now turning deaf. yet i can't give up on making my needs known -- cuz someone is listening -- and that's my heavenly father - who pleads with me to make my requests known - and that i have. i'm waiting for the peace. . .His peace to run in and guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
in the end, i will not run from those human relationships in my life. i must love and serve and support because that's what's honoring to my Father -- even through you think i'm an immoral mess who's teetering on the verge of nonethingness -- my Father knows me better -- i am seeking His holiness -- it's going to look different for me than you -- but that's how our God works -- very individual. that decision is not consuming my mind and life -- and from the beginning i made it clear the time table was not set -- but after ms. lila's comment, i owed it to God to ask some questions -- and i some clarity - but not totally thus, i'm not stepping without certainity -- no matter how much of a girl i am -- i'm surrendered to God first, and being a girl last. you asked for accountablity -- i honored that -- i agreed with it - it's there -- now please allow my relationship with her to be what God uses to keep me humbled here. she asks me point blank questions and will not take shug offs as answers -- oh, wait that's another support i am running towards -- but it's not all her job either.
at the end of the day what matters most to me is how faithful i've been, how out of control i've been and how in control He has been in my life, and how my life is honoring Him -- i would like to say that's all that matters -- and really it is - but you and you over there matter to me to and i don't want to hurt you over there and i don't want to keep my guard up i want to trust you but how can i when i'm always feeling like what i say doesn't matter you already have your ideas in place about me?
"seek first His kigdom and His righteousness. . ." that's my prayer!
assumptions made about me but no questions to me. . . what the crap -- i'm tired of having to justify myself to you -- when it's not you i need to be justified to - it's my Savior. i know you want what's best for me -- so do i and frankly - i'm more mature this time around -- i'm not a kid this time around -- i've learned from my mistakes.
and you over there -- you say i'm not being fair. . . i'm asking you to do something that you can't -- no, not can't don't want to. . now who's being fair? the same human relationships that keep telling me i need to let things go are the same human relationships adding to my plate - and no one is listening to me and what i'm being told by God -- i feel left to make the decisions on my own -- the support is not there -- no, that's not right -- the support is coming from the one human relationship i am not desiring to run from -- actually i ran to them -- they never tell me what i want to hear - they lead me to the Word - they love on me and tell me i'm okay.
i want to run - i don't need this -- i didn't agree to this -- but God deserves my best not my almost best -- and running would be disobedient - yet no matter what i do i'm still walking in partial obedience - which according to c. stanely in the book confronting caual christianity - is still disobedience. i can't and will not step through doors that are not mine anymore -- yet i can't just run away - i need to be a steward of that which God has given me - yet the options are not good in either directions.
it has taken me such a long time to admit and ask for help - but now. . . when i'm yelling. . . no one is listening. . . again, the same human relationships that have yelled at me for years is now turning deaf. yet i can't give up on making my needs known -- cuz someone is listening -- and that's my heavenly father - who pleads with me to make my requests known - and that i have. i'm waiting for the peace. . .His peace to run in and guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.
in the end, i will not run from those human relationships in my life. i must love and serve and support because that's what's honoring to my Father -- even through you think i'm an immoral mess who's teetering on the verge of nonethingness -- my Father knows me better -- i am seeking His holiness -- it's going to look different for me than you -- but that's how our God works -- very individual. that decision is not consuming my mind and life -- and from the beginning i made it clear the time table was not set -- but after ms. lila's comment, i owed it to God to ask some questions -- and i some clarity - but not totally thus, i'm not stepping without certainity -- no matter how much of a girl i am -- i'm surrendered to God first, and being a girl last. you asked for accountablity -- i honored that -- i agreed with it - it's there -- now please allow my relationship with her to be what God uses to keep me humbled here. she asks me point blank questions and will not take shug offs as answers -- oh, wait that's another support i am running towards -- but it's not all her job either.
at the end of the day what matters most to me is how faithful i've been, how out of control i've been and how in control He has been in my life, and how my life is honoring Him -- i would like to say that's all that matters -- and really it is - but you and you over there matter to me to and i don't want to hurt you over there and i don't want to keep my guard up i want to trust you but how can i when i'm always feeling like what i say doesn't matter you already have your ideas in place about me?
"seek first His kigdom and His righteousness. . ." that's my prayer!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
shhhhh. . .i'm trying to study!
so i have not one hour to kill before i have to be back at the center for hope doing fun little thanksgiving basket stuff. i pondered what i could do for 2 hours that wouldn't require me to travel back to my end of beaver county. . . i thought i would go into rochester to the public library and hang out - but wait!
there is trinity school of ministry right here in ambridge - why don't i venture there - were my thoughts as i was driving down merchant st. - so, i fumbled around the one-way streets until alas i found it!
it's a rather small yet scholarly campus -- i found my way to the cubby hole they call a book store - looked around for a few books that i may need for my own class - what the heck! it is a seminary after all - they've got to have some of my baptist books. . . ? well . . . not so fast - i found several of the books dr. payne references in lectures but none that i actually need or should have read. however, the sweet little lady behind the desk is too nice - she searched and found two of my book that she can order and to boot she's giving me 20% off since i am seminary student connected to geneva - it pays to name drop!
and i called a student who is going to check out the other two books i need -- stink'n cool - so, by monday i will have one of the two books read that i need to have read inorder to write my paper due soon - somethings never change -- i had very good intentions to get the books on halfprice.com but when i finally got around to ordering them - they were out of stock - so, my race to save money didn't work -- but i am saving something 20% that is -- next semester i'm going to have to get into gear and get the books earlier. but for now i'm going to just have to kick my butt and read - read - read my little eyes out!
okay - speaking of reading i'm going to go sit on this fun little sofa and read my alvin reid book that techincially was due back to southern last week - only a few weeks late -- it's better than the sweet home alabama video in my office! - or i can sleep. . . sleep or reading - not sure . . . what do you think?!! - hopefully my alarm on vibrate will wake me up in order to back at the center by 5:30pm
francie
there is trinity school of ministry right here in ambridge - why don't i venture there - were my thoughts as i was driving down merchant st. - so, i fumbled around the one-way streets until alas i found it!
it's a rather small yet scholarly campus -- i found my way to the cubby hole they call a book store - looked around for a few books that i may need for my own class - what the heck! it is a seminary after all - they've got to have some of my baptist books. . . ? well . . . not so fast - i found several of the books dr. payne references in lectures but none that i actually need or should have read. however, the sweet little lady behind the desk is too nice - she searched and found two of my book that she can order and to boot she's giving me 20% off since i am seminary student connected to geneva - it pays to name drop!
and i called a student who is going to check out the other two books i need -- stink'n cool - so, by monday i will have one of the two books read that i need to have read inorder to write my paper due soon - somethings never change -- i had very good intentions to get the books on halfprice.com but when i finally got around to ordering them - they were out of stock - so, my race to save money didn't work -- but i am saving something 20% that is -- next semester i'm going to have to get into gear and get the books earlier. but for now i'm going to just have to kick my butt and read - read - read my little eyes out!
okay - speaking of reading i'm going to go sit on this fun little sofa and read my alvin reid book that techincially was due back to southern last week - only a few weeks late -- it's better than the sweet home alabama video in my office! - or i can sleep. . . sleep or reading - not sure . . . what do you think?!! - hopefully my alarm on vibrate will wake me up in order to back at the center by 5:30pm
francie
Sunday, October 08, 2006
glory days - oh their pass you by -- words from bruce springstein
so i'm not usually this school spirited -- but until now those of us who attended crappy glendale jr/sr. high never really had anything to have school spirit over. but now -- the football team has finally figured out what it takes to win a game and better yet to have a above .500 record. much to my surpise, a month ago i was reading the altoona mirror - the local paper from home - on line -- and to my surprise i read that my fair highschool football team had beaten a team that we never beat - and even more suprising was that glendale had a winning record - the first in over 2o years - yes, you read right - 20 years.i'm posting fun pictures of my school cuz the district's website doesn't have our fun masgot on it - we are the glendale vikings! - and yes, i say we - cuz finally i can be a fun little cheerleader for my school -- as i've kept up with the team, i have cheered in my own little way from my office over beating rival school, mo-valley - again a team we hadn't beaten in a very long time. and just two nights ago, we won our homecoming over northern bedford - who according to the altoona mirror, we haven't beaten since the early 80's - i don't know what the new coaches have put in their water bottles but i sure like it!
it's got to be ironic for the coaches of old - they are all still teachers and funny things - the princple and assistant principle of the highschool - but to see their student's kids get the job done has to be interesting - and actually one of the key players is the principle's son - who while he was a coach was just a baby - running around in a lil viking jersey and all - how cute! - yet it didn't help the cause - but now - he's making his mark.
okay - all of this to say - way to go glendale - finally i have something to be proud of in regard to my highschool!
by the way - blue and gold are our school colors!
Friday, October 06, 2006
praying with power
for one who meets alot with my students and my staff, i hate meetings -- especially when they don't start on time. that's what happened to me today -- i was to have a thanksgiving basket meeting at 10am - which didn't start on time -- followed by a development meeting - which didn't start on time either.
i found myself just sitting in the conference room waiting. . . but a few things happened - i was able to enter in a fun conversation with chuck, our program/aftercare director, about the heart - our motives and such - it started cause he asked me if i had seen greg - a former client in the men's recovery program who now works as a maintance guy at a rescue mission in wv - i said yes - we talked for a bit about greg and where he was and this with God -- we talked about the desire to run when things get hard over walking in faith and obedience -- wow! i'm not too different from the guys we serve -- but when it come down to it - it's a battle for the heart -- where my heart is, my treasure will be also!
and then kevin came in and our development meet was about to begin - but like any good little christian group of folks - we can't start a meeting without prayer - but this time - kevin's prayer was like none other i've heard him pray before any other staff or committee meeting -- he prayed that we, the staff, the clients, the officals in power - locally and nationally - would all remember and know that God is King and God is soverign - Wow!!! - he prayed with such passion/power, and excitement -- i could tell He had been with Jesus - he was changed -- even though money is tight and kevin is a bit paniced - i noticed something today in his demeanor -- He wasn't stressed - his prayer showed me he was really, allowing his heart to win - his heart to control his mind - his heart was focused on God's heart - he desires to see lost people come to know His Savior - he desires men, women, and families to be reconciled first with God and second with man - he desires to see lives transformed, but mostly he desires to see God's kingdom come and His glory be known to all. that excited me as one under his leadership -- my leader, my boss's focus is right where it needs to be - and i praise God for that - cuz all things will fall into place -- God will honor the desires of His people as long as our desires are His - as long as we are saying "not my will, but yours"
i'm proud to be a part of the mission family to see the greg's, joe's, kurts, randy's and so many others come to understand and embrace whole heartly that which gives me abudent life -- My Savior, My God!
i found myself just sitting in the conference room waiting. . . but a few things happened - i was able to enter in a fun conversation with chuck, our program/aftercare director, about the heart - our motives and such - it started cause he asked me if i had seen greg - a former client in the men's recovery program who now works as a maintance guy at a rescue mission in wv - i said yes - we talked for a bit about greg and where he was and this with God -- we talked about the desire to run when things get hard over walking in faith and obedience -- wow! i'm not too different from the guys we serve -- but when it come down to it - it's a battle for the heart -- where my heart is, my treasure will be also!
and then kevin came in and our development meet was about to begin - but like any good little christian group of folks - we can't start a meeting without prayer - but this time - kevin's prayer was like none other i've heard him pray before any other staff or committee meeting -- he prayed that we, the staff, the clients, the officals in power - locally and nationally - would all remember and know that God is King and God is soverign - Wow!!! - he prayed with such passion/power, and excitement -- i could tell He had been with Jesus - he was changed -- even though money is tight and kevin is a bit paniced - i noticed something today in his demeanor -- He wasn't stressed - his prayer showed me he was really, allowing his heart to win - his heart to control his mind - his heart was focused on God's heart - he desires to see lost people come to know His Savior - he desires men, women, and families to be reconciled first with God and second with man - he desires to see lives transformed, but mostly he desires to see God's kingdom come and His glory be known to all. that excited me as one under his leadership -- my leader, my boss's focus is right where it needs to be - and i praise God for that - cuz all things will fall into place -- God will honor the desires of His people as long as our desires are His - as long as we are saying "not my will, but yours"
i'm proud to be a part of the mission family to see the greg's, joe's, kurts, randy's and so many others come to understand and embrace whole heartly that which gives me abudent life -- My Savior, My God!
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