standing on the promises

so i had to work tonight at the mission - had a group come in to help with dinner - i decided to stay for chapel - one of the songs we sang tonight was standing on the promises. . .i've not been doing that as of late.

the frame-work of what i've believed has been shaken. i've questioned everything from my forgiveness to my worthiness to my salvation. a wise person in my life reminded me that's what satan wants . . . he wants my focus to be on me and not fixed on the author and finisher of my faith. maybe i am in denial as someone recently expressed to me. . . but if i am. . . i'm doing a good job. . . as i've read through my journals for the past few years, i've noticed a pattern and theme. . . when i accepted the forgiveness given to me years back, i walked and lived in freedom - a newiness of spirit and heart. i saw a passion to know God so much more than i had prior. my hunger to read and know His Word was and is incrediable. i never get tired of eating and chewing the Word. i saw a spiritual disernment like i never had prior. but more importantly. . . i had joy!

because i can be somewhat vage in my postings - i can see where i've given the impression that i'm "crying out for help" - that's true to a point. . . in letting go of the control and passing off the power of my roles so to speak. i realized something, if i were going to loss it - it would have been in aug. in my mom's life hung in the balance of death and my family junk came smacking me in the face. but i didn't - even though i posted i wanted to run. . . i did. . . i ran to my Father in the form of seeking those prayer warriors who could help carry my burden - i realized i couldn't handle things on my own - so i didn't even try - asked God's people to interceed for me cuz i couldn't pray for myself. my spirit controlled me not my flesh.

have i done a good job of letting the spirit control me since then - i would be lying if i said yes - but my heart desires to submit and surrender - that's my struggle to daily let God have more and more of me. i have made many mistakes and poor choices in my walk - but one thing i've never doubted was God's hand in my life -- i've walked away and did my own thing - i've played the fence hopping game - i've wore many masks all in the name of looking good. and i've tried to be transparent in the name of being in community. i was reminded today by my pastor that there are some instances where community is only ment for your local body -- maybe that was my problem. i tried to seek community where it didn't really belong - work is work and family is family - maybe they need to be left in those boxes.

i have felt God's presence and i've heard him physically speak to me. . . on the flip side, when i've been a prodical. . . . and i knew it -- God's spirit caused unrest and a block in my time with Him in anyway shape or form. i've felt the stirring of un-easiness when i've not right with God and i try to worship in any way - some times it actually hurts. but i feel i have also experienced at various times God's restoration -- those times when i've come running and fell down and said i'm sorry or thank you or not say anything but be quite and still. i've experienced an overwhelming sense of humblness, graditude, and love when i'm forgiven or walking in the spirit.

i've known what it's been like to resist God's correction and i've known what's it's like to feel His arms of comfort in the middle of the storm - at no time have i've been so far away that i didn't think God could pull me back. . . cuz God never gives up on me - man may but God doesn't.

this weekend i've had to wrestle with my motives, my desires, my flesh. . . and again after reading my journals i see a pattern -- i was holding on to something because in a small - yet deadly way it had become an idol to me - this break through came through listening to a kid's radio show called "Down Gilead Lane" - how much am i willing to give up inorder to serve God to walk in obedience? my answer: even this. in a weird way i don't see this closing door as a grieving thing -- i can now seek thing that i've not had time for --

yes, i may have been wrong in how i handled things 4 years ago or even since -- but would change them. . . i would lying if i said 100% no - i wouldn't have gone to the extremes i did . . . yet these events have helped to shape my tenderness towards God in so many -- sometimes you can't understand Grace fully until you've lived it fully. many times in the quiteness of my apartment or my shower or my car when it's just me and God either in large group setting or when i'm alone - i feel like the women who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and wipe them with her hair -- he responded to the critisim with - she has been forgiven much so she loves much - my paraphrase.

i guess i just need to rethink my idea of church and being real with those in my life -- i don't habor any ill will -- i just think we are seeing the same situation through different, shaded lenses. i wasn't confessing because of getting caught or because i hadn't allowed God to deal with me first or because I wasn't dealing with it period. . . in my mind i was just sharing more of who i was and what has shaped me.

my prayer is that i can and will be humble, teachable, and willing to take the critisism even at the risk of my own feelings -- i don't need to defend myself -- God is my defender -- He knows my heart -- so i will end this post with the same way i started it -- i'm seeking to stand on the promises of Christ my King, through eternal ages let His praises ring. . . if God is for me, who can be against me? ICorn. 10:13