human relationships are so complicated -- why? why is that the same thing God created us for is one of the hardest things to work through -- God created us to be in relationships of many kinds but why at times those same relationships the ones that seem the most impossible to navigate through. i can drive through crappy snow storms, rain that keeps coming and coming, i can work in a building that every time it rains the bathrooms are un-usable but human relationships are something that i want to run from right now.

assumptions made about me but no questions to me. . . what the crap -- i'm tired of having to justify myself to you -- when it's not you i need to be justified to - it's my Savior. i know you want what's best for me -- so do i and frankly - i'm more mature this time around -- i'm not a kid this time around -- i've learned from my mistakes.

and you over there -- you say i'm not being fair. . . i'm asking you to do something that you can't -- no, not can't don't want to. . now who's being fair? the same human relationships that keep telling me i need to let things go are the same human relationships adding to my plate - and no one is listening to me and what i'm being told by God -- i feel left to make the decisions on my own -- the support is not there -- no, that's not right -- the support is coming from the one human relationship i am not desiring to run from -- actually i ran to them -- they never tell me what i want to hear - they lead me to the Word - they love on me and tell me i'm okay.

i want to run - i don't need this -- i didn't agree to this -- but God deserves my best not my almost best -- and running would be disobedient - yet no matter what i do i'm still walking in partial obedience - which according to c. stanely in the book confronting caual christianity - is still disobedience. i can't and will not step through doors that are not mine anymore -- yet i can't just run away - i need to be a steward of that which God has given me - yet the options are not good in either directions.

it has taken me such a long time to admit and ask for help - but now. . . when i'm yelling. . . no one is listening. . . again, the same human relationships that have yelled at me for years is now turning deaf. yet i can't give up on making my needs known -- cuz someone is listening -- and that's my heavenly father - who pleads with me to make my requests known - and that i have. i'm waiting for the peace. . .His peace to run in and guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.

in the end, i will not run from those human relationships in my life. i must love and serve and support because that's what's honoring to my Father -- even through you think i'm an immoral mess who's teetering on the verge of nonethingness -- my Father knows me better -- i am seeking His holiness -- it's going to look different for me than you -- but that's how our God works -- very individual. that decision is not consuming my mind and life -- and from the beginning i made it clear the time table was not set -- but after ms. lila's comment, i owed it to God to ask some questions -- and i some clarity - but not totally thus, i'm not stepping without certainity -- no matter how much of a girl i am -- i'm surrendered to God first, and being a girl last. you asked for accountablity -- i honored that -- i agreed with it - it's there -- now please allow my relationship with her to be what God uses to keep me humbled here. she asks me point blank questions and will not take shug offs as answers -- oh, wait that's another support i am running towards -- but it's not all her job either.

at the end of the day what matters most to me is how faithful i've been, how out of control i've been and how in control He has been in my life, and how my life is honoring Him -- i would like to say that's all that matters -- and really it is - but you and you over there matter to me to and i don't want to hurt you over there and i don't want to keep my guard up i want to trust you but how can i when i'm always feeling like what i say doesn't matter you already have your ideas in place about me?

"seek first His kigdom and His righteousness. . ." that's my prayer!