i'll never know -- yet i'll know how much it cost. . . .

here's the rest of the story. . .

i attended 19 north tonight -- used to be shift on saturday nights at victory -- i went mostly because i wanted to talk to jode about the sonic flood concert -- i was debating on whether i should go since i'm still riding on the donut - my attept at getting my tire fixed failed -- will happen tomorrow

but nevertheless -- i was standing in my shower trying to get the grease off of me from carrying tires around -- i asked myself what the big deal was -- my car wasn't going to blow up just because i was riding on the donut -- maybe be out of allignment but that's fixable

so - decided to go - off to cranberry i went -

and ya know -- did ya ever know that God was speaking to you -- that what you must do is go to Him -- but you don't? -- well . . . that was me - why?

was it because of the music, my tiredness, the people? - NO -- then what?

jode shared his story -- and then the song they sang was "my desire" by jeremy camp - that's when it hit me -- i didn't go just to see jode - i went cuz i know i'm not alright with my Father -- i know i've screwed up - i know i can't nor do i have the right to stand before Him - i'm really unworthy -- i have no right to stand in the throne room - until i say i'm sorry --

the words of the song cut me -- my desire is to be used by Him - but i'm not -- i'm playing church -- why? -- am i not tired to playing the game? -- what's it going to take for me to straighten up and fly right so to speak?

what's God got to do to grab me -- what's He have to remove from me for me to see?

they ended with the tag from "here i am to worship" - thus, the title for this post --

you know it -- i'll ever know how much it cost to see my sin upon the cross

that's not true -- each time i try to connect -- i know the cost -- i feel it -- i know i've cheapened your grace -- for that i'm sorry - for my selfishness i'm sorry - for my disobedience i'm sorry -- for ignoring you i'm sorry -- so yes, yes, i do know - i feel it -- my hear hurts --

and then when jode opened the alter for prayer -- he said God shared that someone needed to lay it all down -- i knew that was me -- what stopped me? - ME -- my pride - my fear - me.

so - know i need to process -- i need to fall and cry - i need to live out david's cry in psm. 51 - restore unto me - the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit with in me

cuz you paid way way to high a cost for me to waste it.